Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High Reviews

• This Book is REQUIRED READING for my Company!

  
  By AAXITMCVWDGJW on 2002-06-26
  PAY THE [money] this book costs and avoid costly litigation, improve your communication, better manage expectations, defuse pent up emotions, and let your company be more productive!

  I just finished Crucial Conversations and the first thing that I did as I laid down the book, was to log on to Amazon and order 30 copies to give to the managers within my company. I am the owner of my company of 600 employees and I am constantly searching for better ways to improve communication among our staff and employees. I am going to make sure that my HR team includes these principles into their training.

  As I read through this book, I found that so many of our issues within the company would have been eliminated or diminished if we had embraced and utilized the tools laid out within this book. I could have avoided a costly lawsuit if these principles had been utilized when we were disciplining and eventually terminating an unproductive employee.

  The authors have blended the humor of Dilbert, with the vision of Stephen Covey, with the practicality of consultants who have been down in the trenches of some of the biggest corporations in the US. It is an easy and enjoyable read.

  I also found as I read the book that I kept thinking about how to use these tools to improve the conversations in my personal life, with my wife and with my children. I would love to see a second book that focused on Crucial Conversations at Home.
  
  

• Packed With Knowledge!

  
  By A1NATT3PN24QWY on 2004-06-11
  Wanna argue? Nope. Then you need Kerry Patterson and his co-writers, who describe techniques for effective negotiation and conflict resolution in the context of important, potentially life-changing conversations. Examples include talking yourself into a promotion, bringing up important information at meetings and working out problems with your spouse. Some tips will sound familiar, such as knowing what you really want and being open to alternatives. However, the book also highlights some themes that are often forgotten in negotiations, such as making it safe for others to express their true feelings and desires. The authors explain how to avoid getting forced into false either-or choices and tell you how to remain alert for unstated alternatives or possibilities. This lively book includes many examples drawn from business and personal relationships. We recommend it in particular to those are new to negotiations and conflict resolution, though it teaches solid skills that any manager - or any marriage partner, for that matter - could benefit from mastering.
  
  

• Fundamental Truths

  
  By A34GAJEEXNK2YQ on 2002-06-26
  As the program manager of a cross-functional product development team, I daily arbitrate or engage in emotionally charged crucial conversations. The principles in this book enable me to identify these crucial situations, diffuse tension, draw out meaning from each of the parties, and ultimately reach the best action plan possible. Most importantly, since I started using the principles in this book, mutual respect and unity on my team has increased dramatically--positional debate and argument is almost non-existent. Reading this book also helped me change my perspective of crucial conversations. Instead of fearing and avoiding them, I now recognize them as incredible opportunities for me to lead.

  My recurring thought as I read this book was that these are "fundamental truths". The authors use accessible writing with minimal jargon and no word invention. Additionally, they reinforce their theories with an abundance of applicable technique. These are not trendy gimmicks that manipulate people into agreeing with you. Rather, the authors teach fundamentally sound communication skills that enable the reader to fully understand others and then to explain their own perspective in a respectful, non-confrontational way. The principles taught in this book are universally applicable. Not only have I used them in business, but they also help me strengthen my communication with family. Likewise, I know I will use these skills in the team oriented Stanford MBA program that I will begin this fall.
  
  

• These techniques really work!

  
  By on 2003-08-22
  I bought this book after undergoing a first, miserable mediation session with my soon-to-be-exhusband. The stakes are high--it's our property settlement, and my husband had been cashing out the savings and spending them, while leaving me to take care of the 2 mortgages and other obligations. It was easy, but not very productive, to point out where I felt he was wrong.

  I started reading Crucial Conversations and using the tools as well as I could, while watching our mediator model them. I stopped participating in the accuse/counter-accuse game, and focused on bringing information to the table, while I used the crucial conversation tools to keep our discussions productive.

  The book starts out with a self-assessment to determine your own communications strengths and weaknesses.

  My biggest faux-pas with my husband was to cause Respect violations. The CC tools gave me a usable set of actions to take to set things back on track:
  * Apologize (I'm sorry if that sounded disrespectful.)
  * Contrast (I don't want to make you out to be the bad guy, I'm just concerned that I won't have any funds left to cover the emergencies.)
  * CRIB
  - Commit to seek mutual purpose (I'll stay in this process as long as it takes for us to reach agreement.)
  - Recognize the purpose behind his strategy (It's understandable that you're unhappy with our situation and that you're trying to do something to feel better.)
  - Invent a mutual purpose (I want us both to be happy and secure after the divorce.)
  - Brainstorm new strategies (Maybe we can just focus on the numbers for now, and put off worrying about how we're going to divide things until later.

  Using these tools has kept the dialogue moving forward, and we're very close to agreement, after just two more sessions.

  The Crucial Conversations tools won't change another person who's determined to be unreasonable into a perfectly cooperative person, but they will give you a sane way to stay in dialogue and still hold the other person accountable for his or her own irrational attitudes and behavior.

  I think this book is a must-have for anyone who has had a hard time dealing with conflict. I'll be reaching for it again, I know.
  
  

• Ignores conversational reality

  
  By A1LKSZ9CYJ6829 on 2007-09-06
  Do we need a book to tell us that if we and/or our conversational partners are overly emotional or argumentative, create an uncomfortable or unsafe setting, clam up, will not listen, are incapable of adaptation or appreciating other views, or are not overly bright that chances for conversational success are greatly diminished. The author's message is that in the absence of these negativities, that basically free-flowing dialog where all the relevant information is brought into the open will result in effective communication. The emphasis in the book is within business organizations, in particular between employees and employers, although the ideas pertain to all other so-called high stakes conversations between various persons. However, the book absolutely fails to deal with conversational reality.
  
  It is readily obvious that the authors are consultants to the business community (managers), because of their dismissal of the power differentials in the workplace. Their citing of a few brave employees who questioned or contradicted a top manager, serves merely to reinforce the hazards to employees for speaking out in the workplace. Of course, such non-controversial topics as safety, productivity, or where to have the company picnic can be broached. Fundamental topics such as policies, strategies, products, marketing, structures, or personnel are invariably off limits. If the authors wanted to be serious about conversations within businesses, they would propose democratic participation structures, where workers or their elected representatives could freely, without fear of retribution, address any and all issues, not just the safe ones. Bravery or putting one's job on the line would not be necessary.
  
  It is hardly just within businesses where crucial conversations are prevented despite one's best efforts. Bureaucracies and other barriers are often initiated specifically to prevent conversations. Try talking to an insurance company about drug or treatment denial. Try talking to a sales person about a corporate product or service. Try getting through a telephone answering system only to be stonewalled by an "associate." Try talking to a doctor about treatments or, better yet, fees. Try talking to a department head about the nature or conduct of your education. The list is endless where most people do not have a chance of a meaningful or effective conversation.
  
  This book is like so many other "blame the victim" notions. If you are not having good conversations, it must be because "you" don't have the right "tools" to converse. It can't be that the person you are talking to has the power to inflict damage or is within a structure where they can simply ignore you or dispense pabulum. A democracy is based above all on wide-ranging conversation among equal citizens with hopefully widely accepted resolutions. Maybe some day in the US we will try a form of democracy within all of our organizations in which "conversations" are not one-sided with the possibility of punishment for even speaking. Now there is an idea for the authors to grasp.
  
  
  
• "I didn't know it was possible to be both honest and kind!"
  By A3FE0OTH3FNQWZ on 2002-08-02
  Crucial Conversations offers a well organized approach to examining those very select conversations that we all have where the stakes are high, there's a difference of opinion and there is an emotional investment. How these conversations are handled truly separates the good from the best. A friend of mine, who read this material revealed to me that they wished that they had understood (in the early years of marriage) that "it is possible to be both honest and kind". My friend believed that this would have potentially saved the relationship with their spouse.

  These are the conversation in which we find ourselves responding in the grip of our style under stress, inevitably behaving in ways that lead us farther and farther away from our deepest-held objectives. The power of recalling what we really want in a crucial conversation that has moved toward silence (withdrawing, attacking, avoiding) or violence (labeling, contolling, attacking)offers transforming potential for sharing tough content honestly and respectfully.

  The format of this book offers the reader a nicely structured set of 7 principles, associated skills and easy to use key questions and anecdotal examples for practical application. All together Crucial Conversations has all the makings of a communication bible for those interested in expanding their influence, leveraging the wisdom of a group and enriching their relationships.
  
  

• Insightful, practical, engaging--an exceptional book!
  By on 2003-05-06
  When I obtained a copy of Crucial Conversations, I had very high expectations of this book having read the authors' outstanding earlier work, The Balancing Act. I must say I wasn't disappointed; in fact, I was delighted! Crucial Conversations is an extremely insightful and very practical book. Indeed, it is a very rare combination to find a book that contains profound ideas as well as provides actionable tools and Crucial Conversations delivers both.

  The book addresses a topic that is largely misunderstood and vastly underestimated: high stakes dialogue. The authors define crucial conversations as those where 1) stakes are high, 2) opinions vary, and 3) emotions run strong, or in other words, much of both our professional and personal lives. We're all involved in crucial conversations at home and at work but most of us are not very aware of the interpersonal dynamics at play and/or we're unskilled in how to respond differently. The book helps the reader first understand the principles involved in "crucial conversations" but then also helps the reader develop real skills and abilities to choose or change their communication patterns. The end result is remarkable. The book's impact is a much bigger idea than simple communication--it's all about effective human interaction and getting results with and through people.

  The book is highly readable, extremely engaging and actually quite fun. It is filled with illustrations and stories from all walks of life: business examples, personal examples and family examples. The fact that the principles and skills the authors teach can be applied in all dimensions of life--work, home, personal--is very appealing to me and made the book extremely helpful on many fronts.

  I benefitted most from this book from a business standpoint and have found that applying these skills has made a real difference at work. I'm more courageous and more considerate at the same time. I understand people better but I especially understand myself better. I'm far more conscious and aware of my dialogue with others and I've greatly improved my skills and abilities to lead effectively. The bottom line is, I'm helping my company get better results and I'm far more effective personally. If more people in business were to apply these principles and skills in the frequent crucial conversations they have at work, they would make better decisions, achieve better results and do it all in a way that would build the trust and strengthen relationships. I couldn't give a book higher marks. Outstanding!
  
  

• Best of the "Conversations" books
  By ABT6K7CXN5OV5 on 2003-07-14
  Of the three books with similar titles: Difficult Conversations, Fierce Conversations, and Crucial Conversations, I find this the best by a longshot.

  Fierce Conversations is a great read and a real pick-me-up, but it was more of an oh-yeah-i-should-do-that "reminder" than it was a wellspring of new insights. I'm sure the author would be an outstanding 1:1 coach, but the book didn't leave me with as much of a useful/memorable framework as did Crucial Conversations.

  Difficult Conversations, by comparison, is heavy on frameworks, research, theory -- but it ends up reading like a dissertation. Though I'm an avid reader, I found it difficult to get through. I found the other Harvard Negotiation Project volumes much more accessible -- e.g., Getting To Yes, Getting Past No, etc.

  Crucial Conversations is for me the happy medium between the two. It has the right balance of analysis, frameworks, and coaching. It's very accessible yet deep where it needs to be. It also carries a Coveyesque tone that any Seven Habits fan will find refreshing.

  Certainly you can't go wrong reading all three of these books. But if I had to choose one, I'd go with Crucial Conversations.
  
  

• Worth its weight in gold in terms of avoiding conflict!
  By A1J93EGDYK0IWA on 2006-03-26
  This is a great book on communicating and conflict resolution. It is well-written and the examples communicate the intended points without distracting from the flow of the book.
  
  The concepts in here are invaluable. They are presented in a way where one can start using them quickly in everyday life. For example, the author talks about that good communicators are always scanning to see if the listener feels safe. This sounds easy enough, but is that really something in the forefront of most people's minds? By contrasting what the average person does with what a good listener does, the finer points of emotional intelligence are called out in a way that the reader can can digest and be specific around with respect to goal setting.
  
  This book also presents the basics of a cognitive model of how emotions get triggered and how these emotions are related to needs. This is very important to understand when feelings are running high and the way it is presented, one can apply it to difficult conversations to get at essential needs.
  
  Overall, this is an excellent book and I recommend it without reservation. I also think Difficult Conversations is a nice compliment to this book, but if I had to get one or the other, I would probably get this one.
  
  
• I am not entirely sold on this one
  By AYBFMIUC6XBSG on 2005-02-25
  I bought this book because: 1) I want to be better in communication (in general) and; 2) it had great reviews (Steve Covey!!). I finished it in 4 days and must say I was not all that impressed.
  It reads like a text-book in that they (the authors) are always asking us to apply some new system of operation. They remind us that one reading is not enough and much time must be spent in mastering their principles. The principles do appear correct, well considered, and are clearly proposed. They are certainly getting back to the basics of communication and there are a few wonderful revelations (but nothing earth shattering).
  Further, the book has a behavioral science/study feel to it but no footnotes or extensive referencing is made. The case studies are general and simple- the examples throughout the book are slightly feeble and even more simple. I was continually bothered in reading a book based on years of "research" which was void of notated study/notes/details. In the end, it lacks experiemental conviction and convincing.
  I appreciated the effort made to present information and models in simple ways. I appreciate the motivational tone of the book. But, I was seeking something new and exciting- some earth shattering information based on years of study.
  In the end, this book is a simplistic discussion of healthy dialogue which is presented in clever models. It is not a page turner!!
  Its greatest flaw is the absence of solid case study or examples; its greatest strength is its simple presentation and kind tone.
  There has got to be better texts available on the subject....
  
  
• Somewhat eye opening
  By A313H6238N589 on 2004-10-18
  The book's thesis is simple: master the few critical conversations that either make or break your career and personal relationships and you can greatly enhance your satisfaction. Unfortunately, we often bungle these crucial conversations precisely because these conversations are important and emotionally charged. Our own bodily functions and emotions block our own ability to rationally and calmly analyze the situation and speak in the language and tone required to resolve delicate and complex situations.
  
  The main problem with the book is its explaination on how to master these crucial conversations. The author writes 150 pages worth of conversational techniques. From my experience, communication is not a technique, but a blend of one's experience, emotion, intellect, physicality (body language and voice), and genetic disposition. Although everyone can improve their communication skills, I believe reading about few steps in a book is hardly effective or worthwhile.
  
  Instead, I think the author should have focused on the crux of his methdology. That is, mastering crucial conversations involves controlling one's emotions (emotional intelligence) in a way that one does not lose emotional equilibrium despite one's almost irresisitble desire to do so in critical situations.
  
  But I have a feeling the book would have been less than 100 pages if the author had chosen such route. And such a short, albeit more effective, book does not make for best sellers.
  
  
  
• If You Like Dr. Phil, You'll Love Crucial Conversations
  By A646H0DKGONZD on 2003-10-06
  I began reading "Crucial Conversations" with a great deal of skepticism. I had previously read a number of other books in the genre, and always felt them less than filling -- too much theory and too little practical advice. In fact, the only self-help book that I had read in recent years that was remotely helpful was Dr. Phil McGraw's "Self Matters." But as good as that book is, I still found it a bit lacking in direction. I was looking for something more.

  And I found it in "Crucial Conversations." The book was simple to read, clear of psychobabble jargon, and straight to the point. More than anything, the book made an enormous amount of sense. I had known for along time that my personal and professional conversations were less successful than they should have been, but I didn't know why. By clearly delineating the requirements for a successful, mutually beneficial conversation, "Crucial Conversations" identified for me the key steps that I needed to take on my own to hold more successful conversations in which both the other party and I could find a way to achieve at least some of what we wanted.

  Even more than that, "Crucial Conversations" helped me to understand why so much of what other people said during emotionally charged conversations bothered me. It's impossible, of course, to change someone else's behavior, but by understanding the reasons for what they say, I have found it possible to alter my own behavior to make it safer for them to converse in a mutually beneficial way.

  Most interesting, I thought, was the way in which "Crucial Conversations" highlights the way in which most of us quickly resort to either silence or violence in conversations. Just by naming these behaviors, the book can make each of us more conscious of the way we current converse with others -- and of how we should talk if we want to get more of what we want.

  I can honestly say that "Crucial Conversations" has made a night-and-day difference in my ability to communicate effectively with others. I strongly recommend it to anyone who finds his or her conversations with those closest to them less satisfying than they might like. A true life-changer!
  
  

• It is the worst book I have ever owned.
  By on 2003-12-26
  I read the reviews at Amazon.com before buy any book. Usually, I have pretty good luck if the general review comments are positive. But this time around. I was cheated.

  The worst thing I dislike is that it streches an one page contents into five or ten pages.

  If you want to read something about interpersonal communications, I suggest you to check out Dale Carnegie's master pieces. This book is a waste of your money and time in my opinion.

  Good luck.
  
  

• Powerful & Actionable Way to Produce Results When It Matters
  By A1M5NI57I5MYWF on 2003-03-25
  Communication problems are everywhere ... and so are potential solutions! I've seen a lot of books and training programs that purport to teach people to be more effective communicators. Most teach tried-and-true, but old-and-generic, understandings and skills that help people become somewhat more effective. They do not, however, teach people to be really effective in those few important communication challenges that really matter. That is the contribution of Crucial Conversations. In my consulting practice, I've noticed repeatedly that many managers and executives don't take on the tough issues or don't handle them well or, even worse, handle them in a way that creates positive harm in their relationship with others. When I talk to them about their situations, I find that they know they can be better communicators on tough issues; they just don't know how! That's where Crucial Conversations adds real value. In my experience, the conceptual model and skill set captured in this book are, at the same time, both powerful and actionable! And, you will like the way this book is written...a series of good examples (from work and non-work settings) to exemplify each point and help readers relate to the principles and skills. I find myself regularly sending this book to people who are "stuck" and who need a new way to think about how they can take a more active, and more powerful, role in producing the results they want.
  
  
• The Pool of Shared Meaning
  By A1WZMIOMO04AIL on 2005-08-22
  Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler, Forward by Stephen R. Covey, McGraw-Hill 2002, 240 pages, AU$27.95 (Dymoks)
  
  The authors define Crucial Conversation as a discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong. Crucial Conversations are frequently spontaneous; more often than not they come out of no where. To find that you enter a Crucial Conversation watch for signs that people don¡¦t feel safe (silence or violence) and your own style under stress. (...)
  The authors address three aspects of Crucial Conversation - managing our style under stress, dialogues technics and, briefly, techniques we may use to arrive at a decision once the pool is filled with shared meaning.
  On Style Under Stress
  At the foundation of the book lays the EQ theory, popularised by Daniel Goleman in his 1995 book . The EQ theory articulates the evolutionary survival value of the amygdala, a part of the brain that overrides the problem-solving part of the brain in fight-or-flee situations. As had been predicted by the EQ theory, the authors have observed in numerous occasions, in business and home environments, that in Crucial Conversations we are at our worst behaviour, we tend to violence or silence. Part of authors¡¦ novel contribution is a set of tools we may use to manage these pyramidal instincts.
  
  When entering a crucial convection maintain focus in two ways. First, know what you want, second, avoid either/or choices. When you are at the throes of a Crucial Conversation, new and less healthy motives often supplant your original, nobler one. Often you change your goal to save face, avoid embarrassment, win, be right, or punish others. Rather, you should ask ¡V ¡§What results do I want?¡¨ and ¡§How would I behave if I really wanted these results?¡¨ As you introduce that complex and abstract question to your mind, the problem-solving part of your brain recognises that you are now dealing with intricate social issues and not physical threats. Your body sends precious blood to the parts of your brain that help you think, removing the shortcut imposed by the amygdala.
  
  In order to justify an especially sordid behaviour, we suggest that we are caught between two distasteful options. We think that there are only two options available. These simplistic tradeoffs keep us from thinking creatively of ways to get to dialogue, and justify our silly games.
  
  When emotions get high remember ¡V others do not make you mad. You do. You and only you make you mad. Once you have created your emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted by them. There is, however, an intermediate step between what others do, and you feel some emotion about it. Just after you observe what others do and just before you feel some emotion about it, you tell yourself a story. That is, you add meaning to the action you observed. If you take control of your stories, they will not control you.
  
  
  To control your story the authors suggest that you may:
  
  „X Ask yourself if you are in some form of silence or violence. If you tell yourself that your violent behaviour is a ¡§necessary tactic,¡¨ you would not see the need to reconsider your actions.
  
  „X Find what emotions are encouraging you to act this way. Once you have identified what you are feeling, you have to stop and ask, given the circumstances, is it the right feeling?
  
  „X Find what story is creating these emotions. Watch for double standards and clever stories such as: ¡§It is not my fault¡¨, ¡§It is all your fault¡¨ or ¡§There is nothing else I can do¡¨. Clever stories keep us from acknowledging our own sell-outs. The dialogue smart recognises that when they are telling clever stories, they stop, and then do what it takes to tell a useful story.
  
  „X Find evidence to support that story. Do not confuse a story with facts. We tend to assume the worst possible motive while ignoring any possible good or neutral intentions a person may have.
  
  „X Ask yourself ¡§Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?¡¨, and wonder, ¡§Why a reasonable, rational, and decent person does what this person is doing?¡¨ Again, ask yourself ¡§What do I really want? For me, for the others? For the relationship?¡¨ Then ask yourself ¡§What would I do right now if I really wanted these resalts?¡¨
  On dialogue
  The authors observed early on in their research that when it comes to risky, controversial and emotional conversations, skilled people find a way to get all relevant information, from themselves and others, into the Pool of Shared Meaning. The Pool of Shared Meaning is a measure of a group¡¦s IQ. When people purposefully withhold meaning from one another, individually smart people do collectively stupid things. As members of a team explain their opinions, people form a clearer and complete picture of the circumstances. As a result of the free flow of meaning, the quality of the final choice is greater than that of the original arguments. Conversely, when people are not involved, when they sit back quietly during touchy conversations, they are rarely committed to the final result.
  
  The authors do not suggest that every decision be made by consensus, that the boss should not take part, or make the final choice. The authors do suggest, however, that whatever the decision making methods are, the greater the shared meaning in the pool, the better the choice - whoever makes it.
  
  The authors¡¦ novel contribution is a set of technics we may use to enter a dialogue and to stay in dialogue ¡V enriching the shared pool of meaning. The authors speak about Mutual Purpose and Mutual Respect, the stories we tell ourselves, how to state your view effectively, how to encourage people to express themselves, how to build upon disagreements and, finally, how to move from dialogue to decisions making mode.
  
  
  The first condition of dialogue is Mutual Purpose. To determine when the Mutual Purpose is at risk:
  
  „X Watch for: Signs that other start forcing their opinion into the Pool of Shared Meaning. It is often because they figure that we are trying to win and they need the same.
  
  „X Ask: ¡§Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?¡¨
  
  „X Ask: ¡§Do they trust my motives?¡¨
  
  To succeed in Crucial Conversations we must exercise empathy, care about the interest of others, not just our own. The purpose has to be truly mutual. If your only reason for approaching your boss is to get what you want, your boss will hear you as cynical and selfish ¡V which is not what you are. On the other hand, if you try to see the other person¡¦s point of view, you can often find a way to draw the other person willingly into a very sensitive conversation.
  
  Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue. Why? Because respect is like air. If you take it away, it is all people think about. The instant people perceive disrespect in a conversation, the interaction is no longer about the original purpose ¡V it is now about defending dignity. Ask yourself: ¡§Do others believe I respect them?¡¨ When you made a mistake that hurts others, apologies.
  
  Sometimes others feel disrespected even though you have not done anything disrespectful. Clearly, an apology is not appropriate in this circumstance. When other misinterpret either your purpose or your intent, step out of the argument and rebuild safety by using a skill called contrasting, a don¡¦t/do statement that:
  
  „X Addresses other¡¦s concerns that you don¡¦t respect them or that you have malicious purpose.
  
  „X Confirms that you do respect them or clarifies what you do really want.
  
  When you are aware that something you are going to drop into the Pool of Shared Meaning could create a splash of defensiveness, use contrasting to bolster safety ¡V even before others go into silence or violence. When people misunderstand you and you start arguing over the misunderstanding, stop. Use contrasting; explain what you don¡¦t mean until you have restored safety.
  
  
  Sometimes, however, we clearly have different purpose. In that case the authors suggest the CRIB path to lead your group back to Mutual Purpose.
  
  „X Commit to seek Mutual Purpose. You have to agree to agree. You have to suspend our beliefs that your choice is the absolute best and the only one, and that we will never be happy until we get exactly what you currently want. You have to be willing to verbalise this commitment even when our partner seems committed to win. You should act on faith that our partner is stuck in silence or violence because he or she feels unsafe.
  
  „X Recognise the (strategic) purpose behind the tactic. We think we will never find a way out because we equate what we are asking (tactic) for what we want (strategy). When you find the purpose behind a particular tactic, new options (tactics) become possible. When you release your grip on your tactic and focus on your real purpose (strategy), you open up the possibility of finding alternative tactics that can serve a Mutual Purpose.
  
  „X Invent a Mutual Purpose. Move to more encompassing goals.
  
  „X Brainstorm new tactics. Once you have built safety by finding a shared purpose, you should now have enough safety to return to the content of the conversation.
  
  To speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect be confident, have humility and be skilled. Be confident that your opinion deserves a place in the Pool of Shared Meaning, but have the humility to realise that others have valuable input. If you follow this, when you speak the unspeakable, people will be grateful for your honesty.
  
  To STATE your view effectively the authors suggest that you may use the following tool:
  
  „X Share your facts. Facts are the least controversial. Fa
  
  
• Practical Wisdom
  By A15LTL0OR5M6HF on 2002-06-24
  Crucial Conversations is one of those rare books that deals with an extremely important topic, provides new insights and combines that with actionable advice. The book is interestingly written with examples from all aspects of people's lives. It is chock-full of wisdom, but most importantly, the author's give you excellent ways to apply it. Crucial Conversations is a "crucial" read for leaders.

  Jack Zenger
  
  

• I could be wrong... this is just my opinion....
  By APSBN75ZYUZ9P on 2006-12-11
  I was recommended this book by a psychologist who specializes in marital relationships. I quickly went to the closest Barnes & Noble (and paid way over what I should have for this book) and began reading. The overall concepts in this book are genuinely simplistic, but I guess that most of us are so blinded by our emotions when we have "crucial conversations" that we forget the basics. This book does an o.k. job of reminding us of those. However, I could not help but notice the rambling skipping back and forth non-linear style of writing in this book. It basically sounds like an over anxious management consultant high on Starbucks and uppers jumping and skipping through what seems to be a semi-logical string of somewhat relevant topics. And as far as Steven Covey.... WOW, if you can persuade thousands of management people to pay $150 for what is esentially a personal paper planner and calendar, you deserve all the dollars you have coming to you. I could be wrong,,, this is just my opinion....
  
  
• Start now and change your life!
  By A3VM3A8JC1ONOW on 2002-09-18
  Too many of us never say what is really on our mind, that is until we let the pressure build and it escapes in a way we regret. This book will change your life. It provides the tools you need to commit to meaningful dialogue with those who matter most: family, co-workers and friends. You can have candor and respect at the same time.
  The book is a delightful read, adding humor along the way. It is powerful in the examples taken from real life. It is meant to be read time and again. You will want to practice and perfect these skills, using the time-tested principles until they become a part of you.
  
  
• Crucial Conversations - Crucial Results
  By A1Z3KPUFRNXDUA on 2003-03-04
  I have read Crucial Conversations cover to cover 4 times now. The results in my business and my marriage have been amazing. The book is well written and easy to understand. It teaches step by step skills to help you master the content. Before reading this book, I thought influential people possessed a natural ability to effectively handle conflict. After reading the book, I now realize that there are specific skill sets that anyone can learn (and master) to effectively deal with these "High Stake," "Strong Emotions," and "Opposing Opinion" conversations.

  My confidence and productivity has increased in every area of my life (My business has increased by 30%-50% since I read the book the first time) and I am now effectively handling conversations with my wife that once caused constant upset.

  I would recommend this book for anyone 1) wanting increased results and 2) willing to have a profound breakthrough in how they communicate. It has made a profound difference for me.
  
  

• A book that makes a difference
  By A2QRGCRJTXSYCU on 2005-07-17
  When I read this book, I learned why so many people with good intentions destroy relationships, and how to teach others how to minimize destructive conversations. The key issue here is to never compromise safety in these conversations. This is an excellent book. I strongly recommend this book, and the author's sequel, Crucial Confrontations. [...]
  
  
• Exceptional, insightful guidance for bright leaders
  By A20NDYH2FJETYA on 2002-06-22
  I have followed the work of Joseph, Kerry and Ron for years and they just keep getting smarter and giving better, more insightful, more practical guidance. This work is easily digestible, funny and absolutely stolen from every day life in business. In my view, one of the things that just kills organizational vitality is a shared inability to deal with the tough stuff that grows between us: performance issues, strategic differences of opinion, mission shift, contentious relationships, etc. "Crucial Conversations" is just a great guide for how to address difficult issues and how to create an environment where others can do it, too. This book is just terrific.
  
  
• "Crucial" Hits a Home Run
  By AOE1RZ0AYQCKP on 2002-07-02
  The last thing the world needs is another book on communication, yet "Crucial Conversations" cuts through the maze of pscho babble and provides practical insights in a creative format. The case studies alone were worth the time.

  Well worth the read for those who lead change, work with or in teams, or see authentic communication as an important competency worth developing.
  
  

• Crucial Conversations: Helping You To Be All You Can Be
  By A2QUZ7T6I8O6Y5 on 2003-03-03
  Most books deliver well on the "what." Crucial Conversations delivers on the "how." Those "how to skills" are helping my direct reports and me change the culture of our division. More importantly, it is helping me to generate useful techniques that I can use at work, at home, and during my volunteer work with community service organizations. It has assisted me in identifying what I really want as I dialog with others and lays out the necessary steps to achieve my outcome(s) while maintaining good and positive human relationships.

  This book is a "must read" for organizational personnel and individuals who have become casual communicators in high stakes conversations, thus missing out on valuable and collaborative resolutions to problems, assisting in negatively labeling others, and settling on mediocre business and personal relationships.
  
  

• Excellent roadmap
  By A2QUNUXQUHX4Q8 on 2006-06-12
  This book is not your everyday self help book. It provides a fail-safe roadmap for tough communications.
  
  1. Start with heart (what am I acting like I really want?)
  2. Learn to Look (Am I going to silence or violence?
  3. Make it Safe ( Why is safety at risk?)
  4. Master My Stories (What is my storry?)
  5. State My Path (Am I really open to others' views?}
  6. Explore Other Paths (Am I actively exploring others' views?)
  7. Move to Action (How will we make decisions?)
  
  I strongly recommend this book in conjunction with Optimal Thinking: How to Be Your Best Self which teaches you how to make optimal choices and master the disturbing feelings that get in the way of optimal communication. Five stars!
  
  
  
• Outstanding tool that gets results!
  By A1PO3G3TX9SSNV on 2004-07-07
  As a coach to both individuals and groups, I see more costly problems in the workplace that revolve around the conversations that are not being had. Executives and high perofmance teams have been derailed by the dead elephants in the room. Crucial Conversations is absolutely the best book on the subject of difficult and critical communication. The book is very well organized, presenting clear steps to create an environment in which the hard conversation can be had. There are so many tools in this book that if it were not well organized and presented in stages, the reader would be overwhelmed. Why I and others are so excited about the book is its immediate results. You can start using the concepts and skills before you have finished the book! The foundations of making the environment safe - even for someone you may not like or respect is particulalry effective. I have been very pleased with the results I have experienced - as well as my clients. Every leader should have this book on their bookshelf!
  
  
• Very basic common sense!
  By on 2004-04-17
  I was lead to believe there would be some ground beaking information in this book but it's really just common sense. I think everyone knows, when they're thinking straight, that just being true to yourself, honest, and respectfull of other people while holding to your point of view is the only way to truly get things done. And this is basically all this book says.
  
  
• Getting Past Withdrawal and Attacks to Achieve Dialogue
  By A1K1JW1C5CUSUZ on 2006-01-23
  What is a crucial conversation?
  
  According to the authors, opinions vary, the stakes are high, and emotions run strong. This can involve ending a relationship, asking a friend to repay a loan, giving the boss feedback about bad behavior, critiquing a colleague's work, or giving an unfavorable performance review.
  
  You have three choices about such conversations. You can avoid the conversations, face them poorly, or face them well.
  
  This book focuses on the last, providing practical advice about how to keep your own cool while encouraging everyone else to do she same. You can save a lot of time in reading and understanding the book if you look at figures 10-1 through 10-4 beginning on page 182 before you get very far. It's a helpful overview of the authors' point of view.
  
  The book's strengths come in the authors' sympathy with those who have trouble holding such conversations, the many examples and advice on how to deal with difficult situations.
  
  The book's main weakness comes in a desire to encapsulate the key lessons into ACRONYMS like STATE and ABCs. While they are nifty acronyms, I couldn't remember what they stood for by the next page. Something more visual at each stage would have helped me out.
  
  I also think that the book would have benefited from more advice on how to be empathic with the other people involved.
  
  But if you normally handle such situations by running the other way, screaming or slamming the door, this book will help you develop much more constructive habits that will leave you feeling better about yourself.
  
  
• This book changed my life
  By A1RQYQO7CLYV54 on 2006-11-18
  I cannot believe that this material is not standard material for schools. Coupled with "Good to Great," "Topgrading," and "The Toyota Way" you've got the ammo you need to be a killer leader.
  
  Pro:
  -Reveals one of the great secrets how "true leaders" separate themselves from everyone else (based on numerous hours of first-hand corporate study)
  -Describes "fight and flight" and other responses and how to tame them
  -Details a near foolproof method/recipe for approaching others when stakes are high, topics are embarrassing, people disagree, etc.
  -There is a two-day class that I took with this book which is the only commercial class I recommend. Find it and take it!
  -I have improved myself immensely, have successfully approached beligerant co-workers and to diffuse tense family clashes. I've even been thanked for doing it!
  
  Con:
  -I honestly can't think of any
  
  Bottom line: this book is a must read for everyone. Applies to everyday life, in and out of work. I also got the CDs, which are good now and again during my commute.
  
  
• Packed with Knowledge!
  By A1NATT3PN24QWY on 2003-04-29
  Wanna argue? Nope. Then you need Kerry Patterson and his co-writers, who describe techniques for effective negotiation and conflict resolution in the context of important, potentially life-changing conversations. Examples include talking yourself into a promotion, bringing up important information at meetings and working out problems with your spouse. Some tips will sound familiar, such as knowing what you really want and being open to alternatives. However, the book also highlights some themes that are often forgotten in negotiations, such as making it safe for others to express their true feelings and desires. The authors explain how to avoid getting forced into false either-or choices and tell you how to remain alert for unstated alternatives or possibilities. This lively book includes many examples drawn from business and personal relationships. We from getAbstract recommend it in particular to those are new to negotiations and conflict resolution, though it teaches solid skills that any manager - or any marriage partner, for that matter - could benefit from mastering.
  
  
• What a terrible book !
  By A1T711FUJDW3TT on 2005-07-24
  What a terrible book ! Almost an unintentional parody of the business self-help genre, with catchy acronyms, a process (training in which is sold by the authors, of course),self-important diagrams and little over-generalized situational "nuggets". It's sad that business feels it has to resort to charlatans of this ilk.
  
  

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