Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most Reviews

• Foundational for discussing what matters most

  
  By AQUZLJXJ47A24 on 2000-10-30
  There were 3 aspects of this book that made a differecne for me: Thinking Differently, Making Shifts, and understanding the Structure found in all difficult conversations. If you understand these aspects it will significantly improve how well you handle difficult conversations.

  This is about Thinking Differently-- 1. This is an approach. 2. It's not about doing differently; it's about thinking differently. 3. It's about shifting from a message delivery stance to a learning stance. 4. All difficult conversations have the same structure. The structure is almost always "below the surface." It is hidden in what people are thinking and feeling, but not saying.

  Shifts (with this approach)-- We must shift our internal orientation: FROM: Certainty (I understand) TO: Curiosity (Help me understand); FROM: I am right TO: I am curious; FROM: I know what was intended TO:I know the impact; FROM: I know who is to blame TO: I know who contributed what; FROM: Debate TO: Exploration; FROM: Simplicity TO: Complexity; FROM: "Either/or" TO: "And".

  Understanding the Structure-- 1. All difficult conversations share a common structure. To make the structure visible, we not only need to understand what was said, but also what was not said. We need to understand what the people involved are thinking and feeling, but not saying to each other. This is usually where the real action is. 2. What makes a conversation difficult? The gap between what you are really thinking and what you are saying is part of it. 3. Our thoughts and feelings of all difficult conversations fall into the same three categories, or "conversations". 4. And, in each of the conversations, we make predictable errors that distort our thoughts and feelings and get us in trouble. 5. There predictable errors can be overcome this specific strategies that the authors suggest.

  I have developed workshops based on this material that we are finding very helpful in our hospital setting.

  Spend some time with this book - it will be worth your while.
  
  

• Very Informative and helpful

  
  By AT9YSY20RJUDX on 2002-04-10
  Everyone of us has gone through difficult conversations, arguments that were leading no where or felt that we were unjustifiably being taken advantage of. The solution - read this book. The authors have done a remarkable work in presenting conversations (real examples) that we can relate to. They educate the reader with the pitfalls and means o avoid them.

  In difficult conversations the participants generally fall trap to the three common crippling assumptions which are:
  1. The Truth assumption : I am right you are wrong
  2. The Intention Invention : When the other persons intentions are unclear a common perception is
  that they are bad
  3. The Blame Frame : Blame the other produces disagreement, denial and little learning

  The authors map a path by showing how to avoid the pitfalls when facing a difficult conversation and come out as a winner. In our life we prepare for almost every thing, like schooling and college for career etc. it is somewhat surprising that conversations that truly are a means to progress we spend little time on; this is one of the books in this area. I highly recommend that you read it.
  
  

• They are a fact of life, learn how to deal with them

  
  By A1T6PXM2M3N84A on 2002-01-24
  There's nothing like the difficult conversation that has to be done. You may have to tell a friend something that you know will hurt them deeply, you may have to tell the boss that you are quitting after many years of a friendly working environment, you may have to break off a relationship or who knows what else. Difficult conversations are a part of life and often a staple part of life with a teenager. That is where this book comes in. The authors discuss the structure of these conversations and how you can get to the heart of the matter with compassion and clarity so that each party gets through it as a team or with a minimum of emotional pain. It also examines why they are difficult conversations. In short it teaches how to examine situations in terms of how each person perceived what happened, how each person feels about the situation or is likely to feel when they are confronted, and the identity issues that are involved when discussing the subject. A fine book that will help many people learn how to deal with a difficult conversation, but should be augmented by "Words that Hurt; Words the Heal" or a similar text.
  
  

• Useful, but doesn't cover MY difficult conversations

  
  By A2JFOHC9W629IE on 2003-08-18
  The thesis of the book is fairly straightforward: often we "think" we know the motivations of someone we are having a hard time communicating with, but most of the time we don't. For example, when a spouse does something that the other spouse doesn't like, a likely thought by the offended spouse is "you are doing that just to bug me." The offended spouse thinks he or she KNOWS why his or her spouse does the irritating thing, but an in depth, thoughtful conversation makes the offended spouse realize that there is a non-offensive motivation involved. (I know, I know, "Say what?" Just read it again).

  If those are the types of difficult conversations you have -- i.e. you are either suspicious of the motives of someone you have trouble communicating with or you are convinced someone else thinks your motives are disrepectful, by all means, read this book. It is helpful in that respect. However, my difficult conversations take a slightly different turn, and the author devotes very little time to them. The conversations I need help with are the ones where I'm correct and the other person is wrong (just trust me here -- I'm sure you've had the same problem at one time or another). The only thing I found in the book that even touches this is where the author gives the example of a teenage daughter caught smoking. Clearly, the daughter is in the wrong and a parent trying to eliminate that behavior would be right. The book does little if anything for this.

  So, if you are a parent looking to better your conversations with a difficult child, an employer trying to motivate a low performing employee, or a professional trying to convince a client/patient that their way of doing things is dangerous, I'm afraid you will have to look elsewhere. A parent who has to deal with a lawbreaking child shouldn't be concerned with the child's motivation, nor should a doctor trying to counsel an obese person to live a healthier lifestyle. Yes, in those situations, a parent who is never home should realize the lawbreaking is only a symptom, and the doctor with "smokers breath" should understand he isn't going to have credibility unless he takes his own advice. But in both these situations (and hundreds of others) one person is right and the other is wrong. I found little in this book that shed light on those difficult conversations.
  
  

• This book could save countless marriages

  
  By AG903CBFN668S on 1999-12-07
  This is an exceptional book. Not since picking up Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" over 10 years ago have I come across a book that is destined to have great impact on both myself and millions of other readers.

  In essence "Difficult Conversations" is a practical everyday guide for living and breathing Stephen's fifth habit - "Seek first to understand then to be understood". It can be thought of as a "conversational handbook" - applicable in both your personal and business lives. Recently married couples, parents of teenage children and newly appointed managers will find the book especially powerful.

  The concepts are simple and if internalised could for eaxmple save the needless destruction of countless marriages. What excites me most is that it is so very readable and that its lessons are sufficiently simple that although it might take a life time to master - when applied you can see results in your own conversations and relationships immediately.

  Although I've yet to find any reference to the discipline of "dialogue" (as developed by the physicist David Bohm) in the book - it falls squarely within this subject area.
  
  

• Conversations Need Not Be Difficult
  By A3VSY03G6P1ACQ on 2000-05-08
  Isn't there someone you've been wanting to discuss something with for years and, for one reason or another, couldn't broach the subject? Perhaps the subject is sensitive. Perhaps the other person isn't easy to communicate with. Perhaps you, yourself, want to avoid what you know will be a confrontational situation. I've had this problem for years with someone about a subject that needed clarification. No matter how many scenarios I mulled over in my mind in anticipation of having this conversation, they all pointed to disaster.

  Not only did I read "Difficult Conversations" from cover to cover, but have already employed the authors' suggestions in broaching a sensitive subject with a family member. After years of worrying about the potential horrific reactions, I was able to elicit a positive response. The other party didn't become defensive, but, rather, wonderfully receptive to what had been preying on my mind for years.

  If you're worrying about having one of those difficult conversations, believe me, it's needless. Pick up a copy of this very clearly written and powerfully effective book and discover that no conversation has to be difficult as long as you have the right attitude and tools.
  
  

• ...and three hours later I knew I had my answer!
  By AOZRB73MXFMZM on 2000-08-18
  Wow...what a book! I found myself in a bookstore one day--slightly depressed, and wondering if their might not be some other book that I hadn't read that might help me out of the pits I was finding myself in. I already had a cache of some dozen books on interpersonal communication but was feeling not satisfied with what I had found. I walked over to the 'self-help' section, stuck my hands in and pulled out, 'Difficult Conversations...' I found myself a comfortable chair and three hours later I knew I had my answer. No, I didn't read all of it, merely scanned it but it was enough. That was a number of weeks ago and I'm now on the sixth time through! I've high-lighted and/or underlined virtually every page in the book. Then, I purchased several copies for some family members AND today picked up a hardback edition for my ever growing library. My life has changed and I have a new lease on life. Thanks to the writers of this wonderful book. Now I want them to create a workbook so that we can start support-groups and help others. This is a book that should be taught in the schools and churches to be sure. You will not waste your money on this one folks . . . trust me!
  
  
• Dealing with difficult people
  By on 2003-08-26
  My wife is volatile and I have a temper, so I have to walk on egg shells sometimes. I read this book and learned how to deal with my wife when she is angry and when we have different opinions. It really helped me. Another book that changed my life completely is Optimal Thinking; How to be your best self. Optimal Thinking showed me how to be my best amd make the most of any situation.
  
  
• Too obvious...what we need is a difficult relationships book
  By A3S3IPEOT92HVO on 2004-07-07
  The stuff in this book should be obvious to most reasonable people. If you're having problems at this level, you still have a long way to go in terms of dealing with truly difficult situations. Seeing so many people liking books like this gets me worried... (Is it just me who feels like I'm back in kindergarten when I take these corporate self improvement classes (come on, be honest now).)

  If you can generally gather the gumption to talk with people through awkward issues, this book will not help.

  My really difficult issues in life are with severely complexed people who are either defensive to the point of being anti-social or with those who never learned the skill to listen. You know people like this, right? Their bad behavior inevitably drives away their friends and they often have trouble with their other family members.

  I'm not saying that I'm always in the right when having difficult conversations with people like this. What I struggle with is dealing with really hard headed people, and this book only belabors obvious points like "there are two sides to every story" and "you have to try to stay reasonable if you care to get through".

  Everything in the book is good, if that's what you want to learn about. I just found it too obvious, and it assumes the case where the other person is a relatively well adjusted person.
  
  

• Difficult Conversions
  By AMGP7FWTJRB1J on 2003-02-07
  Stone, Patton and Bruce have written a very useful and critical work on the dynamics of all conversations - the ones we've had and regret; the ones we don't have, because they seem too risky; and the ones we need to have to enhance our personal and professional relationships. They argue that there are three categories of conversations, which encompass every aspect of what transpires in our daily exchanges. They are: (1) The "what happened?" conversation (2) The feelings conversation and (3) The identity conversation. We can become more skilled and efficient in our conversations, if we begin to check our often flawed assumptions about what happened, how we're feeling and how our self-perceptions impact our understanding of what others say. Typically, we assume we are right and others are wrong, we assume the intentions of others, we don't treat feelings as facts, and we associate our identities too closely with the contexts of specific conflicts. To have productive difficult conversations, we need to change the way we talk to ourselves and how we approach our communications with others.

  One can't help wondering, however, if the only people reading this book are already self-actualized or so well on their way that they are, in fact, the best communicators among us. The authors' failed to address the lingering doubt left with the critical, reflective reader: that most difficult conversations are the fruits of difficult people, who, unless they read this book, have little capacity or motivation to be anything but difficult. In any case, Difficult Conversations is mostly devoted to explaining and analyzing the three conversations and how one can use these categories to have more productive exchanges. The book has many useful graphic organizers, including a checklist and a roadmap for engaging in difficult conversations.

  In effect, Stone and his colleagues argue that we must shift from a perspective of "knowing" to "learning". Meaningful conversations can take place when we don't permit our assumptions to rule the moment, rather when we take control by being curious, open, and self-aware. To find out what happened, we need to explore each other's stories, separate intent from impact, abandon the blame framework, and to consider all conflicts as a system ("the contribution system"), to which every party has contributed in some way. They argue that the blame framework is a clue that feelings are playing a significant role in a conflict. Feelings often get translated into judgements, attributions, characterizations, or solutions. The key to managing feelings is to treat them as facts by acknowledging them, and considering how they are part of the problem and exploring them fully. All too often our feelings emerge from the sense that our identity is somehow at stake. Most of us frame our identities around one or all of three core themes: competence, virtue, or worthiness. When we feel any of these is questioned, we revert to fight or flight. We can best manage the identity issue by understanding ourselves as complex, by knowing we make mistakes, by acknowledging that our intentions are not simple, and by recognizing that all parties contribute to problems. The "learning" must begin within ourselves before we can understand issues or problems with others.

  We can affect our own conversational "learning" by engaging in "the third story" conversation, which requires us to consider how a third party would describe and analyze the situation. This sets up a process of internal dialogue, which is necessary to check our own perceptions, feelings, and interests. Further, the authors encourage listening from the inside out, speaking for yourself, and taking the initiative. While the book combines theory, examples, and description, it is also a very handy guide to improving one's communication style in the workplace or at home.
  
  

• get the newer edition (details below)
  By A35WM8XO5J7XSS on 2005-04-11
  same title
  same authors
  same publisher
  same format
  
  old page count: 250
  new page count: 272
  old ISBN: 014028852X
  new ISBN: 014027782X
  old publication date: 2000-04
  new publication date: 2004-11-25
  
  In case you happen to be viewing the
  page which details the 014028852X (first Penguin),
  you can upgrade to the 014027782X ('new' Penguin)
  edition by typing or pasting 014027782X into the
  amazon.com Search box (then hit the Enter key).
  
  In case you drive along parkways (no stop-and-go)
  OR daily spend considerable time stuck in jams, I
  recommend that you opt for the AudioCassette TAPE
  (assuming that the obsolete audiotape format can
  still be had when you read this). Should tape not
  be available already pre-recorded ISBN: 0553525689
  then order the audio Compact Disc ISBN: 0553456121
  and transfer the audio CD's sound to a cassette. I
  tell you this NOT to waste your precious time but
  to enable you to better access specific portions
  of the audio book ON TAPE, rather than trying to
  pinpoint a part (paragraph or sentence) on CD. On
  audiotape cassette (either copied from the CD or
  somehow obtained as an original Random House tape)
  you can fast-forward or replay tidbits (which tape
  allows but CD does not). This is applicable to all
  books (and music) on tape versus CD, not just this
  title. I believe that the ability to instantly
  REPLAY a given sentence (or phrase/word) by going
  BACK on audiotape is more effective/efficient than
  when one must be limited to the cues or tracks of
  a CD.
  Hope I helped somebody out there.
  
  
• It's About Life...
  By on 2001-05-27
  Life is all about relationships, and this book is about life. Whether at work or at home, all of us come across difficult conversations - they're inevitable. When we get stuck, it's refreshing to know that there's a way out. That's what makes Difficult Conversations so special.

  Heen, Stone, and Patton share insights on how to get past arguments of right versus wrong, blame versus defend, and other obstacles to effectively dealing with our differences. The framework is simple and elegant, while at the same time explored with remarkable depth and breadth.

  There's a wonderful story about a student and his Aikido master. Watching his teacher demonstrate a technique, the student said, "Master - what amazes me is that you never lose your balance". The master replied, "You are wrong. I always lose my balance. The secret is that I regain my balance faster." Difficult Conversations has done exactly that for me. I've discovered ways to regain my balance when it comes to difficult conversations, faster.

  My copy is tattered and highlighted more than any of the recent books I've read. I found that it got even better with each chapter. The last half of the book was especially good. When it all came together at the end (the last chapter is excellent), I closed the book, thought about what I had just read, and began reading it all over again.

  Why not have more of a good thing? Like going for seconds.
  
  

• Great book, but ebook version is a HUGE problem
  By A2G0VY4ZWY0AZN on 2005-11-01
  There is nothing on the page concerning the Acrobat ebook version of this great book that would warn you that you what you are buying is an ETD, not a PDF. There is a Big difference. You can do virtually nothing with an ETD. I bought it, after buying the hardback and the CD audio version of this book to read on my Palm Treo, as it says I can do.
  You cannot print, move to a Palm, or give to a friend, or do much of anything else with an ETD. You have to go thru an elaborate online authentication process to even open it. All this is fine and good for protecting copyrights, but it is not mentioned in the product page here at Amazon. This is no normal Acrobat file.
  I bought it to give to a friend with a Treo and no CD. I can't do anything with it, but read it on my computer. Since I own the book there is little reason for me to do that. If it would load on my Treo I could read it on the road, but that doesn't work either.
  I have asked to return it, but have gotten no response.
  This is my first seriously bad purchase from Amazon since their inception. Just be forewarned.
  
  
• Would be a pity if it sold any less than "Getting to Yes"
  By A15IZQLN9J5CCQ on 2000-05-13
  It is a consultant truism that, for change to occur, it must work on three different levels: a rational level, an emotional level and a political level. The change has to be right, it has to feel right and it has to meet the needs of the key stakeholders. In saying this we are exploding the myth of scientific management and of the rational organisation that obeys well defined scientific rules. And with it comes the recognition that organisations comprise of people.

  Unlike machines, people need to take part, they need to be informed, consulted and motivated. All these involve conversations, some of which are difficult. Too often we shy away from difficult conversations, thereby leaving critical issues unaddressed.

  Difficult conversations are difficult because are a tangle of facts, emotions and perceptions. However small adjustments in our assumptions and in the way we engage can greatly improve the chances of success.

  According to the authors, difficult conversations take place at a rational, emotional and identity level. Even at the rational level we make mistakes. We assume that we are talking about what is true and not what is important, and we assume that we know the intentions of others.

  This book provides a conceptual framework within which to understand difficult conversations. It also provides the tools and techniques to handle and diffuse a conversation and convert it into a `learning conversation'. It shows how to use the third story, a neutral statement from the outside, to start a conversation and illustrates techniques for exploring the issues and solving problems. The examples are real and realistic. They showing how the inappropriate responses do lead to escalation and they are used to coach the reader through the alternatives.

  In the early eighties, in "Getting to YES" the Harvard Negotiation Project showed us how to negotiate interests and not positions, Ten years later the sequel, "Getting past NO" showed how to initiate such a win-win discussion with a reluctant party, the negotiator who had not read the first book.

  "Difficult conversations" is the latest in this series. It tells you how to open the dialogue even when you are one of the reluctant parties. It deals with the conversations we avoid, or which, when we don't avoid them, tend to escalate. This book is useful both in management and in everyday life. "Getting past YES" sold over three million copies. It would be a pity if "Difficult Conversations" sold any less.
  
  

• I've seen better books
  By on 2003-04-25
  I think this is a very important topic that definitely needs to be addressed. I think the authors do a good job, but I do have a few problems with the book. Although I can learn how to overcome conflicts, I still feel like conflict is approached as a problem. I recently picked up another book on this subject: The Coward's Guide to Conflict by Tim Ursiny. I loved Coward's Guide because it approached conflict as an opportunity, which I think is a tremendously positive outlook. Staying positive is one of the greatest challenges in dealing with conflict.
  
  
• Impractical. Over complicated!
  By A16IITISD2LAX0 on 2006-03-20
  Despite the overwhelmingly positive reviews here on Amazon, I really cant appreciate the value, usefulness or practicality of this book. The proposed framework, that each difficult conversation is really three (The "What Happened?", The "Feelings" and The "Identity") Conversations, is complicating rather than helping to solve the problem. You may think I am a contrarian or a poor communicator. However, with my very positive experience (and reviews) on books like "How to win friends and influence people?" by Dale Calegie, "Get anyone to do anything and never feel powerless again" by David J. Lieberman , "How to talk to anyone?" by Leil Lowndes and so on, I am obliged to warn potential buyers, in particular regular readers of relevant books, of a big disappointment.
  
  
• A must have for anyone.
  By on 2004-03-08
  The trend in business books on management and leadership is to reemphasize
  the human component. These days, authors can back up what they write
  with a decade or two of research. The really good ones do this without
  wandering into the touchy-feely realm that makes them easily dismissible by
  old-schoolers. "DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS" is one of the good ones. It is
  readable, smart and thorough. It delves into the anatomy of problem
  communications in a business-like manner (the authors are from Harvard,
  after all), yet the humanity of it all shines through without a touch of the
  maudlin and sappy stuff that would turn off a stern businessperson. Don¹t
  be misled, though. "DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS" is about you and your entire
  life and contains examples that span the entire gamut of that experience.

  The authors lay out the anatomy of and solutions to difficult conversations
  so well that by the time they were done, I was excited. I had a whole new
  set of tools and in-depth knowledge. Another book that has recently
  rekindled my excitement for self-exploration is "WORKING ON YOUR
  RELATIONSHIP DOESN'T WORK" by Ariel and Shya Kane. This is the authors'
  second book (Their first is WORKING ON YOURSELF DOESN'T WORK") and in it,
  they delve deeper into the principles of awareness and living in the moment.
  I have been a fan of theirs for some time now and reading their books has
  had a lasting impact on my life and also made it easier to apply the lessons

  of other books such as "DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS". I hope you enjoy both
  books.
  
  

• Concepts and techniques that work
  By on 2004-07-14
  I find this book to be helpful because I have had a life-long struggle with difficult conversations. The section about understanding what is said and unsaid is a key piece of information which has given me greater awareness. The procedures require commitment and practice. Don't expect to get it right the first time or every time. I put an extra piece of information into practice every few days. I would also recommend another book, Crucial Conversations for another perspective on emotionally charged conversations, and Optimal Thinking: How To Be Your Best Self to learn how to make the most of any situation.
  
  
• This is a great book for couples, families or business teams
  By A1J93EGDYK0IWA on 2006-03-25
  This is an excellent resource for talking about difficult topics, especially in areas that are highly charged e.g. in family life or in a couple.
  
  While it covers the basics of negotiation, it also breaks down crucial conversations into component parts. This book really helped me to understand the underlying emotional dynamics of difficult conversations which are often hidden.
  
  Two good books to go along with this are Getting to Yes and Crucial Conversations. They are all complimentary to each other.
  
  
• An Everyone-Should-Read Book
  By AK75CR5NZKRL3 on 2003-06-12
  I picked up this book when I was in the middle of the worst fight I'd ever had with my husband. I prided myself on being a good communicator, so, of course, the book was going to be for him. That was over a year ago, and, like usual, he's still not gotten around to reading something I desperately want him to read, but he has benefited from it nonetheless because I learned new things about communicating and about myself in the process of going through the steps outlined in this book. In fact, my husband and I finally put to rest a recurring nineteen-year-old argument as a result of picking up this book and then being unable to put it down.

  The authors do an excellent job of showing how we all avoid the conversations we need to have or fall into traps that don't solve the real problem. They also acknowledge that you don't always have to have the conversation--but only if you understand why, and not just because you "doan wanna." Where any two people are, miscommunication and misunderstanding arise, and if those are two people of goodwill, there should be a desire to clarify things. This book can show you how to get there. It's a journey well worth taking.
  
  

• Will you ever have a hard conversation? Sure, you will! Read this book first.
  By AUHG8KSHI529U on 2007-09-21
  This little book can be a great help. We all have avoided conversations we knew were going to be difficult. Often not talking made things worse, so as things became intolerable we had the discussion and things got even worse. These authors break down the inner structure of difficult conversations and how we often mishandle them. They then show us the ways in which we can turn this into a constructive process that brings more understanding, greater cooperation, and learning that will help avoid repeating the difficulties in the future.
  
  Certainly, I can't recap the whole book in this little review, but I especially like their concept of three conversations happening within each difficult conversation. They are the debate over what happened, the feelings conversation, and the identity issues. In the what happened conversation the problem is that each side assumes it knows the truth, that they know the other party's intentions, and that they know where and how to assign blame. Of course, all this is a fiction and a waste of time. It does nothing to fix the situation or improve the process to avoid the problem in the future. The book then shows you how to have a constructive approach to the same problem. Excellent stuff!
  
  The authors are part of the Harvard Negotiation Project and has a foreword by one of the authors of the famous book, "Getting to Yes". The book is concise, but full of very good information. I recommend it very much.
  
  Reviewed by Craig Matteson - Ann Arbor, MI
  
  
  
• Ivy League Lawyer Geeks interpret Family Therapy
  By on 1999-04-18
  Very disappointing, thin material presented in double space format and large type to bulk up a thinly veiled version of family therapy technique. The chapter on Listening is particularly facile and lacking any rigor or new ideas apart from bashing active listening. Urging the importance of "authenticity" is pricelessly ironic from our lawyer authors. I was hoping for some new ideas but was presented with the pablum of family therapy techniques watered down for the masses. Forget this book despite the heavy duty PR blurb on the covers extolling its virtues.
  
  
• Learn to manage those tough conversations
  By A28G4JGRH9MPN7 on 2005-10-07
  The book teaches us to get away from a "What Happened?" type of conversation. Nothing is more tempting than to start off with "Let's look at all the things YOU did wrong." Instead, you must stop arguing about who's right (which is hard because, well, I AM right), not assume they meant it, and initially abandon blame.
  
  Another aspect involves the concept of knowing your identity--sometimes you are going to have to deliver bad news, and they're not going to take it well. Don't try to soften the blow because that only makes it worse.
  
  The next step is to discuss everyone's feelings--not those "let's hold hands around the campfire feelings," but the feelings which matter. It doesn't matter that she corrects your grammar, for instance--it matters how it makes you feel when she corrects you in front of everybody else. It's much more important to discuss that feeling than the principles of English grammar and pronunciation. Make sure you let them tell you how they feel, and vice versa.
  
  Once you've both expressed how your feelings contributed to the situation, you can talk about how both of you can solve the problem in the future. Even if you think it's 100% their fault, you can certainly find some smidgen where you can improve to help the situation in the future.
  
  One aspect I like about the book is that although you do initially move past the blame and talk about your feelings, you are not a doormat. The book makes it clear that it is vital that you express why you felt upset, and this book is not about letting people off the hook because of their actions.
  
  I think the book is extremely helpful in any business setting, and may also be helpful in personal relationships. You will find this book helps you manage difficult conversations and make them seem less daunting than before.
  
  
  
  
• A Difficult Book to understand!
  By A3LNZKV31R04C4 on 1999-06-28
  I don't know if it was that the book was not well written, or just that the thoughts seemed disjointed, but I had a very difficult time following the ideas. First of all, it is really hard to digest the fact that I may be at fault for all of the issues I need to have difficult conversations about. This book would have us all believing that we should not only always look at the other person's side, but often sacrifice our own views and desires in the interest of making a difficult conversation easier. Secondly, I am sure there must be a better approach than this. I had to strongly disagree on many occasions with the author's recommendations because when I applied them to my own life, I found myself having to make excuses for wrongdoings that others did to me! Definitely not for people with low self-esteem!
  
  
• Practical, wise and gentle
  By A1TTT8V98TP3JK on 2001-05-14
  This is an excellent book. By dropping your ego at page one, you can gain insight into what makes conversations so difficult, especially with those closest to you.

  Some amazon.com reviewers have missed the point of this book when they write that the authors suggest giving up your "side" of a difficult conversation in order to be more open to the other person. What the authors are really saying is that difficult conversations remain that way precisely because no one begins the process of dropping judgemental behavior, and truly finding the truth behind the difficulty.

  This is a skillfull book that if read thoroughly and applied in life, will positively affect the results of your most difficult conversations.
  
  

• A great tool for any kind of relationship
  By A388K8P834Y6UK on 2006-03-15
  Are you engaged in a relationship were the only communication possible is arguing? Are you resentful because you never know how to make your partner understand what you feel because of his or her actions? Then this book is for you. This is not about solving problems, it is about communication between two people, how to make a constructive conversation were you can understand and being understood. I read this book cover to cover when I got it last November (2005), and it is on my night stand ever since. I am having a difficult time with my wife, and although the book is not about how to solve the problems in a marriage I certainly have learned how avoid arguments, and how to engage in fruitful conversations. I found it so good that I always have an extra copy to give away to friends or relatives in trouble.
  
  
• Review of Audio CD
  By A32O4GWGVV9VAG on 2006-07-14
  I'm writing this review of the 5-CD audiobook, not the book. The CD is a must-have, whether you've read the book or not. In it, actual examples are acted out of all kinds of conversations before and after the techniques are used. After listening to the CD I can easily recall what to do when I find myself suddenly in a difficult conversation, because i've actually heard it. Also, as you move through the sessions, the authors go just a bit deeper and deeper until one finds oneself admitting some very personal truths. I think the reviewer below who recommends Dale Carnegie instead didn't hear the CDs -- I didn't get the same result from Dale's books, as I have from listening to these CDs. The ultimate result of having listened to the series a few times? I don't get thrown off balance (their term) so often when I suddenly realize the other person is reacting negatively to what I thought was positive, and vice versa. I just switch into a different mode and many times, the person (either me or my companion) has forgotten they were upset at all.
  
  Now for my complaints, which lost them a star: the CDs are extremely low budget. The packaging has no guide and the content within the CDs is not organized very professionally. There is no heading labeling each track, so if one has to stop listening one won't know where they left off. Also, sometimes a section that should be on its own track begins within a track, somewhere in the middle, so if you want to find where it begins, you have to go back and search for a while for the exact beginning of the idea. How they thought that was logical I don't know. And, they don't have a recording at the beginning of each CD so you know where you are, to help you in remembering so you can refer back to which CD has what you want. Finally, the voices used to herald new chapters/key points, are not consistent - so that it's easy to miss them as they go by, if you're doing something else at the same time. This is a major no-no in radio presentation, which I would have thought the experts at Harvard would be on top of.
  
  
• A must read book!
  By APP9KJPH3RBGZ on 2006-09-29
  This is a must read for anyone involved in communications - with your boss, your colleagues, your clients, your suppliers, your spouse or partner, your kids, your friends (have I missed anyone out?).
  The book describes the 3 different levels of a conversation; the 'what happened' conversation, the 'feelings' conversation, and the 'identity' conversation. The joy is in the simplicity; we talk about 'what happened' but what we really mean is our feelings are hurt, or our identity has been questioned, and once we can sort it all out and speak truthfully about what is going on for us, it enables others to help us and understand us.
  Its not an easy band aid and requires patience, tolerance, and a great deal of courage - but I think you'll agree that having truthful and open conversations would save us all a lot of pain and grief in the long term. So hurrah for this book for being easy to grasp, not jargoned, and very helpful.
  
  
  
• Outstanding book on conversational technique
  By A2RZUFRYRHTRS8 on 2006-01-02
  My aunt recommended "Difficult Conversations" to me years ago. I took out from the library and didn't find time to read it. A couple years of work and personal drama later, I wish I'd finished it when I first picked it up. This book can offer great clarity to business and personal conversations.
  
  The book is very clearly constructed and seems tailor-made for its intended audience. If you're looking for a book like this, you need structure and guidance to get you out of some deeply rooted bad habits. The focus on facts then feelings then identity has helped me already in a difficult conversation with my boss at work. The book is simple in its conclusions: understand the other person's side better while focusing on mututal contributions to causes of problems and their solutions. The authors appear to have years of experience in dealing with clients in this field and have made their book very user friendly with specific examples and quotes of good phrases to use.
  
  I'm going to hold back a star for this because I feel that the authors could have done a better job in informing readers about how they came to their conclusions and strategies. I would imagine that there is a spiritual component to having the frame of mind to be receptive to listening without judging. These authors can't raise that side of the issue because they are rooted in business school practice. Of greater concern is the lack of a bibliography or suggested reading list. What is given in the back of the book is "A Note On Some Relevant Organizations". All of these "relevant organizations" are related to the Harvard Negotiating Project. In other words, the authors may desire to market the Harvard Negotiating Project [and the large consulting fees it commands] as much as they desire to comprehensively inform readers about the issues raised in"Difficult Conversations".
  
  Ultimately, however, my recommendations on books are based on how helpful the books are to me. This book has been very helpful and I recommend it without serious qualifictions.
  
  4 stars
  
  --SD
  
  
• If you have DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS (you do) read this book!
  By AZOUW7U3AOOAQ on 2000-07-11
  This book will help people with conversations we all have. Much of what you read will seem obviously correct even though you are not acting as the book suggests. A key point in the book is not to focus on blame but to look at the contributions of each party (i.e. what is going on that causes the problem.) In doing this you will figure out what needs to be done to solve the problems. This book is excellent! For a Masters in Dispute Resolution, I have read many books and none are better than this one. If you liked Getting to Yes or Getting Past No, You will like this book.
  
  

• Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
• Getting Past No
• Crucial Confrontations
• Beyond Reason: Using Emotions as You Negotiate