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Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reasonx$5.70
  (67 reviews)
Best Price: $5.70
Most parenting guides begin with the question "How can we get kids to do what they're told?" and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, "What do kids need -- and how can we meet those needs?" What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them. One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short. Yet conventional approaches to parenting such as punishments (including "time-outs"), rewards (including positive reinforcement), and other forms of control teach children that they are loved only when they please us or impress us. Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even though it's not the message most parents intend to send. More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from "doing to" to "working with" parenting -- including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.
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Customer Reviews
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Well-documented, but fallacious
By A1IV4HCCYYF1QB on 2005-08-18
First, the good: Kudos to Mr. Kohn for taking the time to back up nearly all of his assertions with references to scientific studies. He is correct in his criticism of the vast majority of parenting books that fail to do so.
Now, the bad: Even assuming that Mr. Kohn presents an unbiased sampling of the literature (something I question from somebody who obviously has an axe to grind) and that his characterization of the studies he quotes is correct, I believe that he still arrives at incorrect conclusions.
Most of the relevant studies he cites represent one of two types. Either they say, "The average performance (by some measure) of kids raised with such-and-such a technique was lower than the performance of kids raised with this other technique." Or they say, "In a controlled setting, a larger percentage of kids who encountered this technique exhibited the desired behavior."
The first kind of study has an obvious potential fallacy involving causality. Do kids display problem behavior because they were punished a lot, or were they punished a lot because of their behavior? Mr. Kohn addresses this question, but unconvincingly. This is one of the few cases where he makes assertions with little empirical evidence to back them up.
But let's assume for the moment that his assertions regarding causality are correct. All that has been demonstrated is that one technique is usually superior to another - not that it is always superior. Perhaps 70% of kids will respond better to Mr. Kohn's suggested parenting style, but we are given no reason to believe that the other 30% might not respond better to a traditional rewards-and-punishment style. And how should I determine which group my child falls in?
Yet Mr. Kohn has the audacity to claim that rewards and punishments should never be used. He even claims that an eclectic approach - using different methods as the situation demands - will be harmful. Again, Kohn fails to produce convincing evidence to back this assertion. The universality he claims for his position reveals the extremity of his bias.
This is not to say that he doesn't give good food for thought, or good suggestions. It is certainly worth reading the book, if only to rethink your take on the proper role of discipline. But take it with a grain of salt - especially the more extreme claims.
As for me, I think that for the most part I do follow his parenting style. But I am firmly opposed to protecting children from the (non-severe) consequences of their actions - a philosophy that Mr. Kohn lumps together with punishment, and brushes aside in a short paragraph with little supporting evidence. I also refuse to restrain myself from praising my child when I am genuinely proud of her accomplishments. I believe (without any supporting evidence) that to do so would create the very kind of emotional distance that Mr. Kohn deplores.
I saw him speak and it changed my parenting - wonderful
By A1LFQ1LP9A66CI on 2005-06-17
I can't believe that I haven't written a review before this. I saw Alfie Kohn speak in Sag Harbor NY and it changed my parenting. There are some things that you carry around inside of you, the truth is what it is often called, and you don't really know exactly what it is until some very enlightened person names it. This is what Aflie Kohn did for me and 6 other people that I was with. We all left his lecture with both a profound commitment to changing the way we were parenting our children. However I can also tell you that we left with a profound sense of relief that we can all stop working so hard to "make" our children feel good and just start letting them feel. It has been six month since I heard the lecture and since then I keep a supply of his book in my offe and give it to all of the parent that I treat. (I am a naturopathic doctor in New York for ten years.) IT has been universally well recieved. I know that there will be some negative reviews by the "old school" that feel it worked for me and so it will work for me kid. I just feel that if I can accomplish what I am trying to do with my children and it can be easier, more fen and more effective then I will choose that path. I just feel grateful there a people like Alfie Kohn out there and I think that you should try this book.
Exaggerates Harm of Rewards
By A3J7CRQE0MA4GQ on 2005-05-01
(...) I read Mr. Kohn's book with interest and curiosity. While I am a strong believer in the usefulness of rewards in some situations, I certainly am also a proponent of using love and reason. Mr. Kohn's assertion that the use of rewards is incompatible with an approach that emphasizes love and reason perplexes me.
As a clinical psychologist who works with children and families, I strive to address complex emotional feelings and interactions rather than simply to treat superficial behavior. So I did appreciate Alfie Kohn's insistence in Unconditional Parenting on the need for parents to consider the underlying reasons for children's misbehavior. His example of allowing his four-year-old daughter the usual snuggly bedtime story despite her earlier temper tantrum, which he recognized was connected to her jealousy of her newborn brother, aptly illustrates the need to take into account situational factors in responding to children's behavior. Withdrawing his attention and refusing a bed time story (as Mr. Kohn asserts would be recommended by behavioral psychologists) would certainly only have left his daughter feeling more alone, angry, and jealous.
However, I am concerned that this book takes a quite extreme view about the use of rewards, discouraging parents from using what I consider to be at times a useful parenting tool that can help avoid stress and conflict. That said, I am actually in agreement with Mr. Kohn that some who use "behavioral" techniques (following in the footsteps of the father of behaviorism, B. F. Skinner) do employ reward plans in a manner that ignores underlying feelings and fails to include dialogue and reasoning with children.
What Mr. Kohn doesn't seem to consider is the possibility that rewards can be used in a humanistic manner, that they can be empowering of children, and that they can facilitate warm bonds between parents and children. (...)
In discussing research on use of rewards, I am concerned that Mr. Kohn fails to convey the results of the entire body of research on the effect of rewards. It is true that research (most of it coming from studies done in psychology laboratories rather than in natural settings) shows that individuals who are rewarded for doing activities that are intended to be interesting are less likely to continue doing those activities, compared to individuals who are not rewarded. But, this finding does not extend to activities that children don't find interesting. Nor does it appear to apply to individuals who have a history of not succeeding at tasks. In my experience, it is a rare parent who even thinks of using rewards for an activity that the child already enjoys doing! It is in the mundane activities such as getting children to brush teeth, get organized and out of house in the morning, apply themselves to studying multiplication tables, and so on, that rewards can be useful in helping motivate children to do things they don't like to do. I believe that in the process of earning strategically chosen rewards (e.g. enrollment in an exciting computer class after successfully memorizing multiplication tables), children can come to see the benefits of mastering the less interesting tasks of life.
Positive aspects of this book include Mr. Kohn's plea to parents to think about long-term objectives and to avoid pushing children too hard to succeed at goals that parents deem important. I also very much agree with the way he urges parents to encourage children to problem-solve about how to resolve difficulties.
Children certainly benefit when parents respect their need for autonomy, love them despite their mistakes, and strive to develop children's ability to use reasoning to overcome problems. However, there is no "one size fits all" approach to parenting. Children have distinctly different personalities, and my clinical practice as well as my personal experience raising two sons has taught me that some children respond to reasoning better than others. Parents need to decide for themselves what approaches help them to be positive, loving parents. They shouldn't feel it necessary to stick to a single predetermined philosophy.
Thought provoking, but not helpful
By AJ646UE019H6N on 2007-01-04
I found the book very interesting, and it challenged many of my guiding premises about parenting. I had always considered myself a patient, loving Mom..But Alfie set me straight!! No, seriously..I agree with him that it is necessary to consider a child's needs, valuable to consider their feelings, and important to respect them as individuals....But, there is a lot to be said for controlling their behavior and avoiding bedlam in your home. He equates allowing children to experience natural consequenses with punishing and spanking..all tantamount to withdrawal of love..and he goes too far.
I'm glad I've read it, and would reccomend it as PART OF a parenting library...But the ideals presented are not realistic, as the author himself admits when he says that he uses consequenses when absolutly needed. I like the concept that our goal as parents should be studied, and our parenting choices should fit that goal. there is value in this book..But it's far from a "How To" raise great people kind of book..Lots of theory and condemnation of current practices..and lots to think about.
Utterly Amazing!
By A2KGYQWT7N0BN1 on 2005-08-22
I continue to be amazed by the assertions made by Alfie Kohn with regards to parenting, competition, and schooling, (but not amazed in a good way). Again and again and again we are told by Kohn that "rewards" are harmful. As I have mentioned in another amazon review of his book Punished By Rewards, the use of rewards is only "harmful" under very contrived and unnatural circumstances (and by harmful, he means that using rewards will decrease "intrinsic" motivation to do something and that the person on the receiving end of the reward may "feel bribed").
Unlike Kohn's assertions, however, rewards can in fact help each of us live more satisfying and productive lives when used effectively. There is an exhaustive review of the research literature regarding the use of rewards that backs up this last statement. The book is called Rewards and Intrinsic Motivation: Resolving the Controversy and it is authored by Cameron and Pierce. Unlike Kohn, these authors review for the readers ALL the relevant research studies on the issue of using rewards, not just those that support a personal thesis. Unfortunately, this is the danger with non-peer reviewed books of the popular type Kohn writes: the author can pick and choose which studies to present to make a point without paying any attention to those that contradict that point (and there are MANY that contradict Kohn's assertions--see the Cameron and Pierce book above). While case studies about his own children may convince certain readers of the usefulness of Kohn's approach, I await peer-reviewed evidence. The shelves of bookstores are already awash with enough pseudoscience about what makes children tick; Kohn's book just adds to the puddle.
I gave this book 2 stars because I do agree with Kohn's goals about parenting. Reading the book will certainly support my view that they are noble aims. Given the lack of research support, however, Kohn does not have much of a leg to stand on as to how to best achieve those aims. I would like to suggest that other readers take a look at The Power of Positive Parenting by Latham for a set of parenting techniques that have a great deal of research backing their use.
We owe it to our children to parent them effectively.
- Small amount of useful info
By AT79BAVA063DG on 2005-07-19
I was disappointed in this book. There is a little information that is useful that could be contained in a 2-3 page magazine article, but it is buried in a lot of repetitious fluff.
Several things irritated me: 1) how he projects adult feelings onto children too young to think that way, as in the child wanting to watch the same TV show as peers--sorry, they are not thinking of it in terms of a "cultural experience"; 2) assuming that "natural consequences" is always practiced without any concern for mitigating circumstances--most parents would ask why a raincoat was left behind, and THEN do something, or not, depending on the answer; 3) the teenager missing dinner. Is he kidding? I don't know anyone who does that--the teen heats up his own leftovers; 4) his insistence that any form of "time-out" is actually "love-withdrawal". Good grief.
The way he deals with tantrums (well, in his case, a "sit-down strike" by his child, hardly a "tantrum" judging from what I've seen in stores on occasion) by essentially waiting them out works for him because he apparently is self-employed and can make his own schedule--he probably does have lots of spare time. Many parents are not in his situation--they have appointments, are maybe shopping with two or more children at the same time, etc.
Bottom line: read this book at the library first. This is the second book of his that I've read, and he seems to be long on complaining about the problem but short on real, workable solutions.
- Best parenting book ever!
By A2AA8VP0A1VMXP on 2005-10-03
I was compelled to write a review for the first time on Amazon after being so shocked to see the negative reviews for this marvelous book. Alphie Kohn is the first (that I know of) to put not only himself as a parent but also the whole body of parenting advice literature in a critical light. His own humble advice is simple and logical but, at the same time, nothing less than earth-shattering. It puts the whole concept of parenting under the microscope and makes us ask ourselves whether our ideas are ethical, or even practical. I have now seen my children blossom under the respect I have been able to give them after reading this book without fear of losing my "authority." I found that my children are even more able to show me the respect I need as a mother and a person, when they are being respected themselves. This means taking their needs and feelings seriously, as seriously as we take our friend's or spouse's needs. What a simple concept, but oh so threatening to most of us who are deeply afraid of those shopping-mall tantrums and bad reports from teachers. It takes a lot of courage for parents to shut out the rest of the world, with its judgements and expectations, and relate directly with the small, but equally valuable, person that is our child. What scares so many parents is the idea of losing control, and this fear comes through in negative reviews. What a sad reflection on us as "big people" and as a civilized society, where everyone, except of course the young, have equal rights for respect, dignity and freedom.
- Saccharine hippy dippy nonsense.
By A2O6WYBSMQ6FRR on 2005-12-07
My wife loved this. She found it inspiring. I hated it, I found it profoundly unhelpful.
It is typical of most parenting literature in that 1) it tells you that you are doing it wrong. and 2) there is no 2.
The author is all negative. Don't focus on getting good behavior through rewareds or punishment just use love and understanding. Ok, what should I do when, say the toddler stomps on the cat just to see what happens?
STOMP!! MEOOWER! "OK, honey baby, that makes the cat sad, so please don't do it."
STOMP!! MEOOWER! "Hey kiddie widdlie, when you kick the cat upside the head, it hurts her, and she doesn't like that, so she would prefer it if you stopped that."
STOMP!! MEOOWER! OK, screw Alfie. Back to reality, kid. You are getting a time out!
He has nothing to say about real world parenting challenges, spending the entire book burning straw men. He would rather criticize the (no doubt fictional) parent who supposedly chastised their child for enjoying a day at the park, than tell real parents how to cope with real challenges.
- To many assumptions...
By A34K4TVTY75XAE on 2006-06-19
I was very excited when I read this book, but after a few weeks of trying out some of the philosophies, it lost it's warm glow. Firstly, I don't find many of the assumptions the author makes logical. One of his premises is that a time-out or withheld privilage is actually "love withdrawal" He presents a lot of research that shows "love withdrawal" methods of disipline can be ineffective or undermine self-control/esteem, but he never really proves that children experience timeouts or privilage loss as love withdrawal. By this rational everytime you don't give a child what they want, you are showing them you don't love them. I tried to check into the research mentioned in his book, unfortunately it seemed very difficult to find, but I did find many articles and papers online that contradicted the findings he writes about.
My three year old daughter is very smart, fun loving and strong willed...when I was attempting to use the unconditional parenting philosophy, my daughters testing, hitting and tantrums increased quite a bit. Obviously children are individual and different philosophies will work differently, but for my determined three year old I find clear consistent limits and consequences go the farthest toward keeping things on an even keel.
I am also put off by the emotional language used in this book. The author's use of loaded phrases such as "unconditional love", "love withdrawal" punishments and many more suggests that traditional reward punishment is not just ineffective or counterproductive, but hurtful and unloving. Really, it just sound like emotional manipulation, which I find quite disconcerting in an author selling parenting materials. (Gosh, if you feel bad enough, you might just buy the DVD and the workbook too.)
- Highlight almost everything
By A1HGO16O6S1KCM on 2005-04-05
I like to highlight important points in books. On almost every page in "Unconditional Parenting", I've found something important to highlight. Alfie clearly provides real help for people that work with children to understand how to move toward unconditional caregiving. He shows us how reason and good will can always solve problems, maybe not immediately, but eventually. I plan on telling everyone I know to buy this book. Every parent, every teacher, every child care provider, every nanny, every politician, Dr. Phil, and Oprah should read this book.
- kohn vs. the entire history of human experience
By A3SAAI40XQ20HW on 2005-05-02
Some of Kohn's reservations about currently popular parenting techniques (time out, "bribery") are worth thinking about, but the basic premise of this book--that rewards and punishment should be thrown out of every parent's arsenal--seems not only wildly impractical but possibly a little insane.
In the face of Kohn's theory I feel compelled to state the obvious: Behavior (a word Kohn dislikes) has consequences whether you are 3 or 63 and rewards and punishments are an inescapable part of life. Isn't it better to acquaint children with this reality? The last time I was pulled over for speeding, the officer didn't open a discussion with me on how we could work together to make sure I drove the speed limit in the future. I just got a ticket.
I'm not sure if it would be possible to live by Kohn's theories, but should parents even try? Has there ever been a society that did not operate to influence human behavior based largely on rewards and punishments?
If these two means of influencing behavior are so completely wrong, doesn't that mean that Kohn is the only guy in the history of humanity to be right? Which seems more likely to you?
- Runs counter to everything else I've read or heard.
By A3EBW6SKKU9ZMK on 2005-05-16
...and illicited numerous knee jerks from me in the course or reading. And, yet, I'm unable to refute anything he has said in this book. Even if you choose to ignore what this author has to say, you should read this book to understand what you are choosing to ignore.
- Is this guy from Mars??
By A2JZ8T64YZDQSI on 2005-04-27
I saw him on the Early Show one morning and was intrigued by the little "snippets" they went through about this book. My feeling is, don't waste your money! Sure, there were a couple of good points/highlights in the book. I feel that my husband and I are loving parents and, in fact, DO take into consideration the feelings of our child when parenting/disciplining him.
I don't feel that this form of "parenting" is truly realistic ~ as a whole. We have a number of parenting books and keep referring back to Parent Magic 1-2-3 and the Pocket Parent. I don't agree with this author's definition/description about "behaviour" when he's referring to it in other parenting books (which, by the way, he's constantly putting down!).
Moderation is the key...we've heard many times before...to everything ~ including parenting. There is a happy medium that can be reached between Mr. Kohn's book and the two books I've mentioned above (as well as other books out there, I'm sure). His is just one (very) small piece of the puzzle, that I'm sure most parents are aware of and incorporate into their parenting concepts, in general.
- Carefully reasoned explanation of good parenting
By AJ245KPJYUQMQ on 2005-05-17
Alfie Kohn consistently writes thought provoking books which are well supported by research, which is carefully cited. As a result, you can easily follow up on any of the ideas he discusses. Because he provides a thoughtful and reasonable explanation of his ideas, you can generalize to many situations using the logic he lays out. His argument is deeper than "what works" or "what we have always done." And that means it requires thoughtful consideration. It is well worth the effort. I am a parent, a grandparent, a psychotherapist, and a parent educator. I use all of Kohn's books, and I am extremely grateful that he has addressed the issues of parenting. It is helpful to be able to recommend good books to the parents with whom I have the privilege of working.
- This is deeper than "what works or not..."
By A18CGRHPMMY7OG on 2005-05-13
I am always amazed at people's reactions to truth. In reading some of the less enthusiastic reviews here, I can't help but want to point out that this book touched a chord in them because they are defending their own need to parent conditionally. Alfie Kohn is not extreme or radical or unreasonable in any way. What he writes about speaks to a child's healthy psyche, spirit and self. But it takes a parent who is self-aware and honest enough to look within in order to think about things from a child's point of view. I ask this: if conditional parenting (timeouts, spanking, bribery, punishments, etc) apparently "works," then why do we have so many people in jail, on drugs, on the streets, on Prozac, suffering from eating disorders, abusing themselves and others, crashing and burning, cheating, gambling, running,staggering out of failed marriages and sabotaging jobs and their own potential???
Alfie Kohn dares to speak out about something deeply human and ironically profoundly difficult for so many people to grasp and accept. Many parents want control of their children because those adults are threatened by anything that affects their perceived power and suppressed fears. Since so many adults are wounded, unresolved, still suffering the slings and arrows of their own upbringing, they feel only marginally better about themselves if they are keeping the children "in line." It's tragic. And I applaud Alfie Kohn for having the passion and courage to advocate for our children. How many adults are in therapy saying "My parents never thought I was good enough..." Or "I never really felt lived for who I was..."
- Worth reading, even if you think you don't agree
By A3V3XC7EKGUR83 on 2006-03-10
I was a little hesitant about purchasing this book. I've worked with children for a good portion of my life and now have one of my own. I've always used rewards and punishments. Honestly, I really didn't know about any other way to teach children right from wrong..... until I read this book.
The first half of the book describes why punishments and rewards are so detrimental to children. I must say that while this was interesting, it certainly was long. I found myself feeling like I was reading the same thing over and over and kept wondering "Ok already, so what's the alternative?" The second half of the book dives into just that--what can you do instead of telling your child "good job" or putting them in time-out.
While I'm not sure about how well some of his suggestions would pan out with real children, it certainly was an interesting read. It definitely prompts you to re-examine everything you thought you knew about parenting. And the basic premise that everything we do as parents should teach our children that we love them unconditionally is exceptional. Even if you're not sure you agree with Kohn, I do suggest giving this book a try and broadening your perspective on how we raise our kids.
- Not much practical advice
By AX53OKOXQOPP7 on 2005-05-15
I bought this book after hearing the author on NPR. While I agree that time-outs, rewards, and punishments may be overused these days, I had trouble ferreting out what exactly he proposed as their alternatives. The book is more about his parenting philosophies and about criticising other parenting books than about giving practical advice to parents. There is little advice and few real-life examples.
Two things I found upsetting about the book: one, his assertion that "other" parenting books would recommend that you deny your child their bedtime cuddling routine after a tantrum. I would like to know WHAT book he is referring to, because neither my Mommy friends nor I could recall ever hearing such advice. Secondly, he says that if a mother refers to herself in the third person ("let Mommy help you") when the child is old enough to understand the pronouns "me" or "I", that the mother is distancing herself from her child. Nonsense! I refer to myself as "Mommy" all the time, it's a title I'm proud to use exclusively when speaking with my daughter, and I am quite certain that I am not distancing myself from her by referring to myself as Mommy, subconsciously or otherwise.
- This book is a beacon of light on a dark horizon!
By A2LIU656SUY6UA on 2005-07-21
I agree with the other reviewer who said you have to leave what you have been programmed to do as a parent behind. The ubiquitous "time outs" and "good jobs!!!!!!!!!!" that most parents subscribe to which confront you everywhere you go give parents a false sense of security. Just because most parents (and sadly some educators) are employing these methods do not make them right or healthy. Spanking was big when I was growing up; everybody did it - but now we know how just plain wrong it is!
This book requires an open mind, courage, patience and creativity. Mr. Kohn does not deliver the answers for you but he gives you tools to find the answers for your own unique child. He will make you think wholly and truly about the kind of parent you want to be and the kind of child you are helping to shape with your words and actions. Moving away from rewards and punishments (which is sadly regarded as unorthodox in our society!) is a bold parenting move, one that requires a steadfast conviction that our children come first and our relationship with them is fostered more by love and reason NOT by the carrot-stick mentality used to train animals. For the reviewers who say that kohn's ideas are not realistic; yes, it's hard to incorporate these ideas into your life - the question you have to ask yourself is: Is it worth it? To that I say an emphatic YES!
His other book: The Schools our Children Deserve is excellent as well.
- This positive parent loved it!
By A32B99AHPJPV91 on 2005-05-13
Our family has, by and large, adopted most aspects of attachment parenting and, as our daughter grew, positive parenting. As I read this book, it felt as if Alfie Kohn had been inhabiting the recesses of my mind that were (to me) inexplicably torn about giving our daughter a treat when she used the potty. Whether you read Alfie Kohn, Magda Gerber, William Sears, or many others, respect for children remains key.
As a Children's Librarian, I see many flavors of parenting every day. I also see the effects of parenting styles on unattended children on a daily basis. What helps me remain a caring professional even on rough days is respecting the young customers who need assistance. I've seen enough child reactions to silently hope for better from my own daughter, but this book has encouraged me to think about what I really want for her, why I want it, and how to allow her to become the best person she can be.
- "His way or the highway". The book is too subjective on what he thinks is good and bad
By A1E9WHCK7XGX3R on 2005-07-21
Two words for this book - not realistic. I really think this book is all about his way of parenting his child which properly works for him. Does it ever occur to him that every family has different needs and routines so "his way" will not work for every families. I think Parenting is a very complex and versatile knowledge. But he gives me a " only his way or the highway" kind of feeling. I mean if he thinks that addressing yourself as "Mommy" is going to distant the relationship ( maybe he is right).But then again, does it occurs to him that the child's understanding of the word " Mommy" can be comfort, safe, reassurance and love. I think the book is too subjective. I agree with his "love and reason" way but " rewards and punishments" are also essential in parenting. I really don't see that a child will sit there and reason with you all the time. So my conclusions is take this book as a reference. I mean it won't hurt to learn more if you have the time and the $. But totally disagree with his point of view on what he thinks is negative or wrong.
- Helpful
By ADVAZB00HCY8T on 2005-08-24
This book really made me think about why I "do what I do" and "say what I say" to my child. I didn't agree with all the concepts but it did make me question my actions and make me respond more lovingly to my child.
- A much-needed shift in thinking about parenting
By A3OPMBDK189T47 on 2006-07-09
This is perhaps one of the most important books I've read.
It makes a strong case for why both punishment/criticism/consequences and rewards/praise not only are ineffective in getting kids to do what we want but also cause lasting harm to kids' development. It provides many great insights toward alternatives, all flowing from the idea that we must unconditionally meet children's needs, that this is how we can give kids a solid foundation upon which to develop healthfully.
Yet the book is certainly not about being a pushover as a parent. The punishment/reward opposites it criticzes are distinguished as, themselves, just one side of another pair of dysfunctional parenting opposites. They are just different ways to use power to control kids. On the other hand is permissiveness, which is also ineffective. The book makes clear that it is both possible and necessary to be a parent, to set boundaries, and that it's simply a question of how one does so, respecting kids as human beings and seeking to work with them toward positive ends rather than do things to them that can't possibly move them toward the ends we want.
UP sheds a great amount of light on parenting, education and, if one is willing to extend its ideas, communication in general, even among adults. On top of all this, it is an easy and enjoyable read.
For those already interested in approaches such as attachment parenting, unschooling, positive discipline, etc., this book is a must read, giving perhaps the broadest picture possible about why these various approaches are so necessary and providing ways for people to make connections among them.
For anyone who is a parent of a child of any age, for anyone who relates with kids of any age, and really for anyone who wants to improve their communication and their relationships in general, I highly recommend that you find an opportunity to read this book soon.
- WHATEVER!!
By AR5SBPO7584XX on 2005-06-13
This book is great in theory but good luck putting into practice!!
Some of his ONLY real advice was to let a child (while in public) ride out a temper tantrum. Well, what about kids you flail, bite, hit, throw, and do anything possible while having a tantrum....what then?
There is nothing in this book I don't already do.
Saying "Good job" is bad? Come on, lets all live in the real world!
Somebody give me some REAL advice for the extreme situations!!
- Your Child's Happiness and the Happiness of Others
By A2O12SYVTMJUZQ on 2005-07-24
I loved this book for multiple reasons. Kohn supports his ideas by referring to a rich and diverse scientific literature. Beautifully written, the book is accessible and honors the reader by assuming intelligence. Kohn doesn't offer annoying how-tos but a framework for thinking about our goals and objectives in rearing children. I particularly enjoyed his articulation of the parenting aim to help children pay attention to the needs (and happiness) of others and not just focus solely on the child's happiness. Kohn's reasoning is not moralistic but humanistic: the ability to read others' cues and pay attention to the needs and happiness of others promotes harmonious relationships (the pathway to true happiness).
- Parenting for emotional competence and relationships
By A2BKFEHZRQN1BW on 2006-07-25
This book is an excellent resource for parents who want to move away from parenting children who are simply obedient and "apparently" no trouble. Because the world has changed, and the family context is very different from that in which most parents were brought up, it is extremely important to help them develop strong resilient families where children learn emotional competence as well as how they belong and care in their relationships- skills they will need for life in the world of 21C. This book offers well researched strategies for achieving these goals and helping parents find a credible way to cope with the changes they face.
- Good Ideas and Interesting Perspectives
By AQ0JQC4KIMXM3 on 2007-01-19
I am an educator and have read several of Mr. Kohn's books geared for educators so I was intrigued at the prospect of a book on parenting. I find his idea's quite interesting as I always enjoy having my beliefs challenged. In fact, despite some of the negative reviews posted here, much of what he discusses in the book has merit and has changed the way my wife and I talk to our 2.5 year old. It does make sense that constant praise for every little thing can, in the long run, be just as damaging as the effects of some of the consequences and punishments parents use. While we may not agree 100% with everything he writes, if you are willing to question why we discipline the way we do and how our kids perceive that discipline, this book is definitely worth a read.
- Not what I expected
By A22A0YA563CGAY on 2006-12-31
I bought this book hoping to get some advice on how to deal with kids (although my first baby isn't born yet). I wanted to be prepared. But, the author spends SO much time telling you how NOT to treat your kids, and I feel like much of what he says is common sense. I'd like to know HOW to deal with certain situations that may arise so that I can be prepared. To compare this book with it's polar opposite:Dare to Discipline by James Dobson, I find it interesting how BOTH authors approach children from the same standpoint, of finding out the motive behind a behavior and to approach discipline from a loving and respectful standpoint. (This is one thing I like about both books.) But, the approaches are totally different. The approach presented in this book lacks the specifics that I was looking for, especially age appropriate discipline. I'd be happier with an author who wasn't as vague as this author, and not as supportive of physical restraints as Dr. Dobson.
- Must Read for Parents and Educators
By A29YULNMG1D0EQ on 2007-04-20
I opened the Wall Street Journal today to find an article entitled "The Most-Praised Generation Goes to Work." The article describes how some employers have to "dish out kudos to workers for little more than showing up." One company has a staff "celebrations assistant" whose job is to throw confetti at employees and pass out helium ballons; another estimates that employees receive praise every 20 seconds. The examples go on and on. Perhaps parents and educators need to look at "rewards and praise" in a new light. This book does just that and I wish I would have read it sooner! I cannot recommend this book enough. Instead of giving you a "blow-by-blow" of what to do in a specific situation, Kohn gives you strategies that can apply and be expanded to numerous situations. Many new parents and teachers want to know what to do if the child does "this." Well, as we all experience by dealing with various people in our lives, we need to treat each person as an individual and may deal with the situation differently depending on the people involved. One important point Kohn makes that I found extremely insightful was to think (and listen) to how we speak to our (and others') children. If we would not want to be spoken to like that then perhaps we need to reflect on how we can handle the situation differently. Good luck to all new parents and educators who are willing to take a deep look at their choices and make the necessary changes to help our children!
- Very Anti-Religious
By A3IU9UN572XVVF on 2008-01-04
First of all, this book gives ideas that have absolutely no practical application. For example, he suggests that ideally you should never praise your kids, because they should learn to feel proud of themselves, not rely on your pride. Sure, they should feel proud of themselves, but aren't they more likely to just feel bad about themselves if they grow up with parents who refuse to hand out praise?
More importantly to me, as a Christian parent, is the fact that he sites religion as one of the reasons parents these days are too conditional in his opinion. He actually states that the God of Christian and Jewish religion is the ultimate example of conditional love, and goes on to say that these religions teach God loves you only if you love him. I can't respect anything he has to say after reading that kind of nonsense.
- Very realistic, very loving approach to parenting
By AQWRWSTS4HLXG on 2006-05-01
This book does an excellent job of addressing some of the key problems with the "traditional" parenting methods of rewards, praise, time outs, etc.
Since most of the reviewers here have summed up what the book is about, I will mention the key points that stood out to me.
I liked how he showed the long term effects of traditional parenting methods. I was raised this way and I can clearly see how the "carrot & stick" mentality had an affect on me.
Since I want my children to grow up to be confident, self assured, balanced and loving, I have incorporated Alfie Kohn's methods into my parenting. I only wish my parents had done it for me!
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