The Alphabet Of Manliness Reviews

From the publisher:

This is the only sentence in the entire book that will give you a chance to adjust your face; take your time, because it’s about to be rocked off—permanently.

Finally, a book that guarantees your balls will be stomped; a book so manly that it will make even the burliest of men (and in some cases, the burliest of women) feel inadequate. So manly, it needs to be shaved: The Alphabet of Manliness. This collection of sacred writings may very well be the greatest compilation of all things manly throughout history. Here’s a small sample of the ass-kickery found within these revered pages of outright manliness:

People getting drop-kicked in the face

Phallic aggression

Violence in excess of what has come to be known as excessive

Garish disregard for the well-being of children

Contempt for animals, women, and other cultures

Intimidating rhetoric

Obscure penile references

The triumph of flannel over good taste

This book is only for the saltiest, hairiest, most rugged son of a bitch out there. However, it would be selfish to keep it for myself, so feel free to buy a copy. This humble tome of wisdom is a tribute to all men who toil away at work every day, getting their balls busted, or busting balls.

If you can’t handle the punch to the colon I’m about to deliver to you, look on the bright side: you’ll save a fortune on Halloween when kids come to your door to pick apart your candy ass. On the other hand, if you feel comfortable with the risk of having your ass neatly packaged and handed to you with all the trimmings, cut the foreplay and crack the book open already.

Lumberjacks, pirates, and Chuck Norris all agree that there is but one arbiter of manliness, and he has but one name: Maddox. The longtime proprietor of the absurdly popular website, The Best Page in the Universe, Maddox has thoughtfully collected his vast masculine wisdom for the first time in a useful reference work, The Alphabet of Manliness. Since men of course communicate with others only under duress, this book may be the sole resource for those starved for answers about basic manly subjects such as urinal etiquette, road rage, and beef jerky.

We thought that Neil Strauss, who chronicled his own transformation from "half a man" to a "Master Pickup Artist" in the one-of-a-kind bestseller, The Game, might be the perfect expert to assess Maddox's guide, and indeed, he came through with the sharpest take we've yet seen on the book, which you can read below.

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Guest Reviewer: Neil Strauss

Over the past decade, Neil Strauss, former pop music critic for The New York Times, has established himself as the go-to guy for diarists of decadence, collaborating with rockers Marilyn Manson, Mötley Crüe (on the instant trash classic, The Dirt), and Dave Navarro, as well as porn star Jenna Jameson, on a series of witty and frank tales of celebrity excess. And then he stepped out on his own with one of our top-selling books of 2005, The Game, his bizarre, hilarious, and surprisingly uplifting memoir of joining a secret society of "Master Pickup Artists." Keep your eye out: he has many more smart and shocking projects on the way.

I am fully convinced after reading the entire A-Z of The Alphabet of Manliness that the author of its 26 essays, Maddox, is a nerd. And not just because he correctly alphabetizes the entries, but because he can recite the names of every Castlevania game, talks about hacking and IP addresses and various mathematical theorems, and has just spent way too much time analyzing in minute detail every aspect of the penis, its functions, and its influence on the male brain. However, Maddox's lack of bulging biceps may actually be a positive thing. Because having him become the symbol and policy-maker of all things alpha male just may be one of the most subversive byproducts of the Internet since file-sharing.

If you are new to the world of Maddox and unfamiliar with his website www.thebestpageintheuniverse.com, here's how you will react to the book: When you read the dedication--"to the love of my life, my soul mate, and the greatest person in the world: me"--you will think for a moment that you have encountered one of the most unlikable narcissists in the world. When he calls a woman a "bitch" on page 2, you may actually begin to hate him. But if you stick with it, by the time you get to the middle of the book and are fully immersed in his over-active, over-systematic, testosterone-addled imagination, you will begin to realize that Maddox just may be the Andy Kaufman of his time, in possession of the driest wit you've ever encountered. The middle of the book also happens to be the home of Maddox's finest essays. In his contribution to the geek canon of Chuck Norris worship, he spuriously notes that Norris uses hippies as firewood, intercepts letters to Santa Claus to use as toilet paper, and eats "bread, cheese, some tomato paste and a handful of basil, which sounds like pizza, but it's not because Chuck Norris doesn't want to give the Italians the credit."

In general, there are two types of humor in this book: things that are funny because they're wrong ("a pirate's semen is indestructible") and things that are funny because they're right (his entire essay on urinal etiquette).

By the time you get to his views on the quickie, in which he describes a sexual encounter with his girlfriend that involves her never showing up and him passing out drunk and getting robbed, you may be bookmarking his website. And by the time you turn to the last page, you'll be flipping back to the first, reading it again and looking for the jokes you missed because you were too busy being shocked, offended, and slightly titillated. In short, The Alphabet of Manliness just may be one of the smartest paeans to stupidity ever written. --Neil Strauss

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Customer Reviews

Maddox, the legend, has spoken By A2MWRKME57F53V on 2006-03-29 If you like his web site, if you have ever found yourself laughing out loud at work or school perusing his teachings, then you have to buy this book. Organized into 26 vignettes, one for each letter of the alphabet, this is no less than an encyclopedia of manliness written by the Master of Manliness, MADDOX. Each letter is a freaking hilarious elucidation of the conceptual architecture of manliness ("A" is for "Ass Kicking", for instance). Each vignette is between two and six pages long, and many are accompanied by butt-kicking and surprisingly well-crafted illustrations. Buy this book if you like Maddox. If you are a politically correct whiner, and can't handle humor about the sexes, then buy this book and read it twice. You need an injection of humor into your life. THE masterpiece that will be remembered for centuries By A1K1W2UR7MMTPH on 2006-05-23 We need a serious book review here and here it is: Maddox has always been a controversial figure. You either hate him or love him. "The alphabet of manliness," however, consistent with the usual Maddox style - witty satire and unique approach towards various topics, puts a stronger emphasis on the humor side which I believe is universally funny. The book covers such a wide range of topics that no matter who you are, how you feel about Maddox prior to reading the book, I assure you that you can always get a kick out of the book. I have been Maddox's fan for years. After four hours of diligently studying the book, I am confident to say that this book is the best of Maddox's work I have ever read, which even includes his classic piece (children's artwork). I found myself gasping for air from time to time when I was reading the book because I simply laughed too hard. In addition to the great verbal work from Maddox, his illustrators also did a fabulous job. Those illustrations in the book alone will lighten up your day and help you find why it is worth living in the world. Lastly, let me just say this: You will never find any other book like this one since it is truly one of a kind. This is the book that people will remember for centuries. You can only have a grasp of this extraordinary wisdom and unique perspective of seeing our mundane world through Maddox's eyes. Do get a copy and you will not regret it. Too short, not very funny By AIBRTGBN07D6A on 2006-06-02 This book took about 30 minutes to finish. Most of the pages are very short and it has large text that takes up most of the pages. Aside from being too short, I gave it one star because I didn't find any of the humor actually humorous. The jokes were stale and of the "Chuck Norris is God" variety that got so old. Many of the jokes and material I had seen before from other people. Overall, this book would be okay if it was a web site or an email forward, but as an entire book you have to pay money for, it just doesn't cut it. Fan since 2000 By AOV20J7JOVXQE on 2006-06-03 It was so manly, it made my balls drop... and I'm a girl. Only worth it to support maddox's funny website By A85U7UVUZGVMR on 2006-06-19 Maddox has a great website, with really funny articles. This book... has pictures telling you how to kick people in the nuts. I wish Maddox had written a book instead like he does his website. Random things which come to his mind to rant about. Instead, it almost seems like the writing in this book was forced on a topic which really just wasn't entertaining. The only parts which were worth reading, were when he went off on tangents in the middle of things. I only suggest you purchase this book to support Maddox's website. You will laugh at a few parts, but the rest of the time you wonder if the same author wrote the book and the website. Manliness! By AHQKBF1ZVX6YW on 2006-06-11 The cover of this book features a man who looks like Hercules punching a gorilla that looks like King Kong in the face. No further comment is necessary. What the...? By A2OHT0MWDCBIDB on 2006-07-15 I can't believe this dude who preached about shameless, self-promoting sell-outs has turned into one himself. And what's worse, is that his book isn't even good. If I could write a summary for the book it would go something like this, "Me me me, me! Chuck Norris and me! yay me!" The end... Blows By ASJEZXLFN7WW8 on 2006-06-21 This book blows! When reading articles on The Best page in the Universe, I can't stop laughing even after reading the articles for the fifth and sixth times. This book however, has failed to make me laugh once. What happened Maddox? Meh... By on 2006-06-22 Well, I think Maddox's website is really funny...hence why I pre-ordered the book. However, this book is pretty stupid. Basically, the facial expression that I had when reading this book, was me with s straight face. Since when did gross = funny? I don't even mind gross content that much if it's actually funny. But if the content is just gross, then it's...well, gross. By the way, I'm refering to the part where he describes different types of feces. It's like: "Ha ha ha, get it? It's funny because he describes different shapes s**t can have in such a formal manner! Ha ha ha." This is exactly the kind of "humor" that makes me all those "Scary Movie" or "Not Another Teen Movie" type of movies really bad. I agree with one of the previous posters: the funniest parts were probably when he went off on a tangent. Also, I think he's trying way to hard to shock people. That's way too easy, because the people that are actually shocked by this ideocy are not so smart. It's way harder to actually be funny. Again, don't mind the whole "shocking" scheme if it would actually be funny. This book is not. Maddox can do better, as one can tell from his website's content. P is for Perfect. By A2J3MR64L567OK on 2006-06-19 Remember the old Mortal Kombat games, where one could perfectly maul one's opponent and receive a "Flawless Victory"? That is how I envision Maddox standing over the smoking ruin that is the NY Times Bestseller list, laid waste by the ultimate precision that is his Alphabet of Manliness. Maddox himself is well-known as an Internet legend, latter-day pirate, and scourge of poseurs. However, absolutely no familiarity with his online work or workings is required to appreciate the glory of this novel (although if you haven't seen his website, you should start there to build up the soul callouses needed to survive this book in the likely event that you are not nearly man - or woman - enough to handle it). This book stands in its own right as simultaneously parody, truth, and a ringing indictment of all things pathetic, tame, and child-proofed in our modern world. Indeed, I can only assume Maddox and his team of lumberjacks personally went out and killed the very trees whose flesh makes up this book. As with all types of perfection, singing this book's praises is much easier than imagining what it is missing. I cannot think of a single thing. Everything from precise instructions on the proper drop-kick to the ring on Chuck Norris' finger to a depiction of beef jerky using a chaingun on vegetables is here for your consumption. What more could you want? Or, more importantly, what more could you possibly deserve? Nothing. Buy the book. Roar in hilarity at its uncensored mayhem. At least if you don't like it, it'll give you something to do on your one-way flight back to France. Amazon reports that this book will be the only one not rated with stars. By A28LXPBXNYBIPA on 2006-06-03 I have to be honest, here. I've read Maddox's website for years, and have long respected him for not giving in to the temptation to make money from his site with pop-ups, banners, etc. My sole purpose for having purchased this book was to support him financially for the years of entertainment he has provided millions for free. Then the book arrived... While still in the box from Amazon, the woman that delivered it grew a full beard and back hair just in the time it took her to carry it to my doorstep. By the time I got to page three, my testicles had stretch marks. At this point, I was afraid, and would have put the book down except that I knew doing so would have instantly reduced me to a sniveling girly-boy. By the time I finished the book, I had grown 8 inches, and not taller. I was once a computer programmer that spent my days in a cubicle. After reading the book, I walked into my place of work (I didn't even use the door, just walked through the brick wall) and smashed many faces and headbutted many a uterus, and am now the CEO of the company. I don't even work anymore. I just told them I was CEO, and nobody had enough testosterone to say otherwise. This book will change your life. Merely looking at the book in person will cause hair growth in places you didn't know hair could grow. Actually opening it will saturate you with testosterone. It is not recommended that you allow your wife near the book, as the book itself will have its way with her. This is my third copy I'm buying today. Every man in my family must have a copy, or I can no longer call them a man. -Javin Briliant moments, but uneven By A1L75DDQ53PXB7 on 2006-07-14 Maddox's frothing fanboys will probably swamp the Internet clicking "not helpful" on this review, but I think a more balanced view of this book is needed here. For the most part, I enjoyed the "Alphabet of Manliness". I love the concept, the organization, the art, and the attitude. There were numerous "laugh out loud" moments. HOWEVER... Comedy always comes at someone's expense. The real heart of the book is a roast of the male gender's tendencies and habits (passing gas in public, obsession about various female body parts, general bad behavior), and associated cultural bastions of masculinity (heavy metal, pirates, Chuck Norris). Where things tend to go off-track has to do with women. I can certainly appreciate humor that isn't politically correct, and where Maddox is mocking men's attitudes towards women, he can be brilliant. But at times he veers off into misogynistic material that is solely at women's expense, very much in the vein of "blonde jokes". Sections like "urinal etiquette" are hilarious because at a deep level, they ring true. Many of the "women" jokes don't, at least for me. They stand out. Perhaps if I were "manlier" in this respect, sections like "Obedience" (a "training manual" for women) would be funny, but instead they simply come off as a shock-jock attempt to be as politically incorrect as possible. That kind of humor is not without merit, but it succeeds when it goes after all targets (like South Park). The "aren't women stupid / worthless / unreasonable" joke over and over again gets pretty old, pretty fast, even allowing for the fact that this is a book about MANliness and a certain disdain for the other gender can be expected. In summary: if you have ever been offended by a "blonde joke", you'd best steer clear of this book. It has a deep disrepect for the female gender that goes a little further than it needs to. Even lumberjacks or pirates who really love women might find parts difficult to stomach. -R changed my life By A2QZFZE5QKNNEO on 2006-04-05 Before reading this book I was a total fem without any hint of masculinity in my body, but after buying and reading this book my genitals have developed to perfection and can now be used to scare off would-be attackers. I've had sex with 17 women while writing this review alone and punched several children in the face at the same time. Thank you Maddox. Eh... By A1RZTKIFURZXZC on 2006-06-15 I was fortunate to nab a copy before the official release date. It's pretty funny in parts, but I had to skip right past "N is for chuck Norris"...seriously, enough of the chuck norris [...]already. I would have to agree with the person who said the website was funnier. I still re-read a lot of articles on there. If he would have packaged those in a book and sold it, I would buy, just because you can never have too much tearing-apart-bad-movies and the "looking for a safe stance on abortion? Me neither" article has me pissing myself every time I read it. Book is alright, website is better. Amazing By ACED1LT72RXN8 on 2006-04-06 This book hasn't even come out yet and I bought it. In doing so, I feel like it deserves five stars. Without question the best book I have never read. I think I'm going to come back so I can write a second review after I read the dust jacket. This is the best book ever written. Saved A Hobo's Life; It Can Save Yours! By AY2WHBKLPWFN3 on 2006-05-24 My father has been homeless ever since he left my mother back in 2001. He's been mooching off people and bitching about being hungry for years now. However, I finally gave in and decided to spend some money on him. I bought him this book. Let this be a testament to anyone who is nervous about buying this book: it changed my father's life. My dad flipped open the first page and his under-educated eyes could scarcely keep up with the kick-ass nature of this book. Infact, I was getting nervous that he would have a heart attack and I'd have to use my cell phone minutes calling my mom and the paramedics. But something wonderful happend instead... My homeless father grew massive pecks and a crossbones tattoo appeared on his arm. My father transformed into a pirate and went around main street in Salt Lake City kicking ass. People were paying him hundreds of dollars if he'd lessen the amount of ass he would kick. Buy this book. Please help me it's starting to hurt By A335KASNW1CXS0 on 2006-05-28 The book itself was excellent. Most impressively, Maddox managed to keep the book from losing it's novelty. You'd think an A-Z book would get boring, but The Alphabet of Manliness actually seemed a little funnier towards the end. However, during the course of reading the book I found myself starting to get aroused. Even after finishing the book this situation had not changed. At first I was happy because I noticed my condition appeared bigger than I remembered, but after hours I started to get worried. It has been two days now and my problem remains. I've tried everything from watching The View, to eating salad, to listening to Dashboard Confessional and nothing is working. If you know of any medicines I can take or have any other suggestions to relieve my problem please tell me. My face did not get rocked off, still had a chuckle. By A1Q58USSM88ZAI on 2006-06-13 Eh? Are these people reading the same book as I have here in my hands? Don't get me wrong, it's funny and sold at the right price but no where near as sharp as the stuff on his website. Sorry, I really mean that, I have been a fan from the early day's and I enjoyed the book but it's maybe half as funny and clever compared to the website. Having said that, I still suggest people buy the book, it's a lot of fun for only 10 bucks and it's very well produced, high quality stuff but in no way will it rock your face off, nor will it have you roaring with laughter. Chuckle stuff. Momentous Literature Which Defines A Generation By A2XVQX76YN32NZ on 2006-06-02 The Alphabet of Manliness is, without question, the most spectacular masterwork of writing produced in decades. Prepare yourself for the magnum opus of an era. Contained within this incredible encyclopedia lies a compilation of what The Internet has done for language, culture, and humanity as a whole. With a single offering, Maddox has taken seat upon a throne of perfect wit and ingenuity never before seen in modern-day literature. The world is awash with revolutionary change: Behold the one true Man called Maddox as he leads our charge astride a glorious steed known as The Alphabet of Manliness! All are compelled to experience this monumental epic--failure to read The Alphabet of Manliness will not only be a tragically dire event of great personal loss for you, but also a defeat for the rest of us who must suffer your intolerable ignorance. It will destroy the false illusion of reality and perception that has enfolded your mind from birth, and rebuild it as an entirely new illusion. The book's historical significance cannot be understated. Future civilizations will realize The Alphabet of Manliness in much the same way that we've come to know the works of Aristotle, Plato, and Homer. Come now, do you really have reservations about purchasing and reading this book? Please, do not be so thoughtless as to emasculate yourself in such a way. Purchase The Alphabet of Manliness. Not bad. By A1OQ8K5GQ199D6 on 2006-07-03 I was kinda disappointed that Maddox went with mysogeny for this book. Making fun of gender differences is a pretty easy way to get cheap laughs. The book was funny and as a Maddox fan I certainly got my money's worth, but I always thought his social commentary was funnier than his teenage agnst. For Suburban 16-year-olds. By A3S0ERJ4EL4ECZ on 2006-12-25 I am an avid reader of "the Best Page in the Universe," and bought the book in Manhattan and had Maddox sign it, but I was disappointed. His website has actual satirical merit, but the book has very little. If you are a 16-year-old, with maybe two friends, from the Midwest, and feel spoiled yet sheltered by your parents, you would love this book. The jokes are disappointing, and the overhyped edginess never really comes through. The book could have just as easily been written by a second-rate writer for Mad Magazine. Save your money and take it out of the library when the time comes. It's about time By A3V3OAL42L0Y67 on 2006-04-07 I was born to read this book. My parents, being the forecasters of the future they are, got together and decided that it was time to procreate for the sole purpose that one day their only son could read The Alphabet of Manliness. Finally my purpose will be fulfilled. Manliness Explained By A258D8SD8YVJ6G on 2006-06-07 Many who consider purchase of this book make the frequent mistake that The Alphabet of Manliness is some sort of comedy book. Sorry to burst anyone's bubble, but this book is a serious self-help book to make you the manliest you can be. Reading this book will make hair grow from your knuckles and greatly improve your ability to kick an offender in the side of the head with ease. The Alphabet of Manliness is broken down into 26 easily digestible chapters, each given a handy tab for quick reference. Maddox is to manliness as Moses, Jesus, and Muhammed are to religion. Without this book, the true lumberjack in each of us would never be able to escape. Now I am able to chip down trees with my own anatomy. Thank you Maddox! Hadoken! By ACM5VUCYWGHQJ on 2006-06-09 Just to learn the proper technique for a Hadoken! ; this book is worth buying. ohh pitty the poor poor co-workers...for now they show know Fear! come beat my kids By A1B9WITYTFTDWE on 2006-06-02 Maddox, Please come to home and beat my kids. I beg of you. I would be honored if you were to come during a peaceful dinner, abruptly pick up my six year old daughter, and give her a faceful of your fist. Afterwards, feel free to have your way with my wife in our bedroom. I'll be standing by the bed with my arms crossed belting out a pirate like chuckle. You're an ass. Godspeed! D is for Disappointed By A10PVHCJA3Q3SN on 2006-06-25 Ive read Maddox's site for years. I've laughed out loud with glee and sent articles and postings to all friends and family. He's not a constant updater, but I'm a constant checker, always checking away to find a new post. His website is gold. The Alphabet of Manliness is a different story. I'm 25 and this material isnt new information. Urinal etiquette? That's hilarious...in 1998. Chuck Norris-- a real knee slapper...back in mid-2005. All material just seems so dated and so not Maddox. The only piece I laughed out loud on was "obedience." I've already laughed at everything else when it was funny a long time ago. The Alphabet of excellence, err manliness... By AHER38MJDCI7T on 2006-06-01 As soon as I learned the book was coming, I knew I had to buy it. I was expecting the same comedic genius no-holds-barred inflammatory, caustic, and mordantly cynical observations that he is infamous for on his "Best page in the universe" site. I was not disappointed. Just the cover alone, with the Tarzan-like he-man punching a gorilla in the face is absurdly hilarious enough to crack me up. That cover is brilliant!, and that folks,...is uber-macho! I'd love a wall poster of the cover. By the time I got to the letter "C" the book had already paid for itself. I had tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. I have read every kind of humor novel and magazine I could get a hold of. This book is not the gentle Barry-esque humor, nor Buchwald, nor anyone else. It is 100% Maddox. Be prepared for the ultimate crotch-bomb collection of in-your-face manly-man balls of steel parody. This is one of the most flat-out hilarious books in the history of the written word. If you are easily offended, or too dense to see what he has done here and get mad about it, you need to get a thicker skin. Don't bother getting your panties in a bunch by reading this book, it's far too masculine for you. I recommend that you stick with the gentle musings of Dave Berry or Erma Bombeck. To make a small distinction, I viewed Maddox as more a literary Viking than a pirate. Pirates steal and plunder. Vikings discover and conquer. There is nothing stolen about this book. It's a trailblazer, and I hope to see more books from Maddox. I am waiting for the day that he branches out into other media. This is just the beginning of his meteoric rise to fame and yes, fortune. At risk of inflating his apparently frail self-esteem (ummm...right!) I'd say that he is a genius, and that this is the best humor in the universe. Maddox is the savior of HuMANity By A1KIMMCFWVNQHW on 2006-06-04 After I read a few chapters of the Alphabet of Manliness I grew more facial hair than I've ever had before. My attempts to shave were futile, all the razors I had broke into pieces, scissors bent, weed whacker exploded. My girlfriend started bitching at me for spending too much time reading the book so I flung it at her ovaries. They ruptured and now she's in the hospital what a pansy. Good thing this book is hardcover (because it's a well known fact that paperback is for sissies) or else the pages would have bent and I would've been pissed and shoved my foot up her cakehole. Maddox thinks of everything. Oh yeah this book kicks ass. Thank You, Maddox. By A3IYFQ7II2IHK8 on 2006-06-08 Immediately after I finished reading "The Alphabet of Manliness", just as I closed the back cover of the book, I immediately sprouted a full, thick, lush patch of chest hair and shortly thereafter put a down payment on a monster truck. I am 7 years old. Thank you, Maddox. Entertaining By A1PHW8XEYJN87V on 2006-06-14 To start off, this book is funny. It's not quite as good as the website consistently is, but it has a lot of funny things that most people have come to expect from Maddox. However, a few irritating things stood out to me as I read it. The first is that Maddox absolutely LOVES to try to make himself sound smart, which he does primarily by using semicolons ad nauseam. It wears pretty thin after 50 or so pages. Second, Maddox's raging insecurity permeates every sentence in the book. The premise, though funny, is designed entirely to make Maddox feel more manly. It's pretty annoying as well, especially because he habitually ridicules insecure self-promoters on his website but does it himself. While a lot of the ideas in his book aren't original or particularly insightful, they're very funny and it's a good light read as long as you don't mind Maddox's sometimes abrasive writing style.

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