My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands Reviews

• Disappointed

  
  By A2OUPXW6CO01NU on 2005-08-22
  The title of the book is severely misleading. It should be titled, "A Collection of Near Misses," or "A Collection Of One Night Stands I Would Have Had If I Had Not Chickened Out Or If The Guy Didn't Change His Mind."
  
  The title of the book leads the reader to presume the book is, indeed, a collection of one-night-stand stories. It is really a collection of guys the author wanted to go to bed with, but then changed her mind about when they got naked, or they changed their mind about her.
  
  The author is a stand-up comic, and no doubt, funny in person, but the book was not funny at all. I was left disappointed and feeling sorry for the guys she teased thinking they were going to have sex, only to have her make a haste exit out of their home or a hotel room.
  
  Then the author had the audacity to complain that she didnt get any sex after each "one-night stand," when it was her decision not to go to bed with each guy.
  
  The author goes to great lengths to glorify drinking and bragging about her getting so drunk and so wasted that she is willing to have sex with anyone, only to chicked out anyway.
  
  If the book is meant to be funny, she missed the mark. It is more a warning to demonstrate what too much alcohol and Ectasy will do to one.
  
  If you must read the book, borrow a copy from a friend or a library. Save your money.
  
  

• Woody Allen meets Sex and the City

  
  By AXK9WUGRUL86Z on 2005-06-29
  Hilarious recollection of multiple amorous adventures and misadventures. Remeber when Woody Allen was funny? Well this could be his sister's version of "Everything you always wanted to know about sex but were afraid of asking"
  The succession of ever so more improbable sexual fiascos and mishaps, would make Candace Bushnell cringe. Like Sex and the City, but wearing JC Penney shoes instead of Manolo Blahnik's.
  A comic tour de force.
  Read it, you won't regret it.
  
  

• For the ladies...

  
  By A1HOVGEE981HS0 on 2007-06-30
  I love Chelsea Handler. I really do. A huge fan. However, this book is really written for the ladies. Being a gay guy I thought that maybe I could wrap my brain around the stylings of a single female who loves vodka and men. But in the end a lot of the charm and appeal is lost on me...I may love vodka and men but I'm certainly not a single female.
  
  The stories are funny though and written for a quick read. And I think most 20-30 "somethings" will find this quite humorous. I was hoping for more hardcore juice...but most of the time Chelsea just ran short of being a true tramp and was more like a little girl dressing up in mom's heels and make-up.
  
  

• Simply terrible!

  
  By A13HQMXKTTJBYV on 2006-03-19
  There's a point in My Horizontal Life where a friend suggests to Chelsea that she ought to write a book about all the men she's been involved with, to which Chelsea responds, "What a dumb idea." Yet, Chelsea does write a book about it - and it turns out to be a particularly dumb book. She should have taken her own advice. There are 18 chapters in total (each dedicated to another so-so scenario in Chelsea's sexual life) yet, for a book that's supposed to be about a woman's sexual adventures, Chelsea only actually sleeps with men in about 7 of the chapters. There are a lot of near-misses. Given that this is supposed to be a book about one night stands and `sleeping around', these add up to a lot of non-stories.
  
  Not only is the writing very poor (almost like a 16 year old's account of her summer holidays) but this book ultimately comes across as boring and self absorbed. I was expecting an interesting, involving and intelligent insight into a modern woman's attitude towards sex. This was not it. In fact, Chelsea isn't really doing anything different to what thousands of women of a certain generation are doing. Sadly, however, she comes across as desperate and really rather lost. Most of the time she's drunk - and many of her own stories don't portray her in a particularly good light; not because of the subject matter (after all, people have bought the book knowing what it's supposed to be about) but because she just seems very unworldly and immature. There are points where she chooses not to sleep with men for a variety of reasons (one she determines, through his trousers alone, has genitals that are too big. Another has genitals too small - so she sneaks out of his flat). For a woman who holds herself up as a hedonist and lover of men, these aren't quite the actions of a sexually sophisticated adult. And then there are parts of the books that are just offensive - particularly her description of `midgets'; for example, "Those little midgets have it so easy. Sometimes when I see one, I want to chase it..." It? It??? Followed by, "His mom was a midget too, but his dad was human-sized." Now, politically incorrect humour can be hilarious if handled properly, but this sort of stuff isn't funny, it's just dire. Oh, and Chelsea didn't sleep with this one either because his genitals were too big. Again! She just passed out from excessive alcohol consumption. Again!!!
  
  Really, every sane, mature woman should avoid this book. Trust me - there will be nothing in there that will give you a greater insight into sex in the modern age. If anything, the majority of women have probably been there and done most of what Chelsea's done - just in a more considered way.
  
  
  

• I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE SEQUEL!

  
  By A3DGM98UN47PIH on 2005-05-14
  I just finished reading "My Horizontal Life" and I have to say, it was the most fun I think I've ever had reading a book. I was laughing so hard at some of these stories that I was calling people up to quote lines over the phone (I know that's annoying if you're on the other end but it had to be done). In fact, when I finished reading it, I picked it back up and read a couple of the stories again.
  
  As a fan of stand-up comedy (the author is a comedienne), I expected the book to be full of jokes and it is, but what I didn't expect is that it would be so revealing, sweet and engaging. By the last page, I felt like I knew the author as well as some of my closest friends.
  
  Whether or not you yourself have had a one-night stand, you will be able to relate to the things that happen to her. Okay, maybe we haven't all dated a male stripper who's "every gay guy's fantasy" but we've all dated someone we sadly discovered is not so bright or who doesn't have a good grasp of our language. Personally, I think even a nun would find this book amusing. But I wouldn't buy it for her. I'd hope she'd just stumble upon it on her own.
  
  I've read many humor book over the years and the problem with a lot of them is that they're just not that funny. This one delivers.
  
  
• Really Only For Women And The Message Is Wrong
  By A1T3VW5RU7NWJT on 2005-05-17
  In an age where feminism, equality, freedom, and power are expressed through promiscuity, ignorance, and exhibitionsm among women, this work should come as no surprise. Once again another woman shamelessly shares her sexual prowess and promiscuity and sends the message to the women of today that this is how women should express their new-found equality, freedom and power.
  
  If you equate the "freedom" of amateur porn star Paris Hilton, the crass stupidity of a half-naked Britney Speares, or the ambitious nude posings of Survivor casts and celebrities as the new found power of women, then this book is for you. Perhaps there could be some partial redeeming qualities if this book were actually funny, but penis size jokes and other genital related humor are about as original as Ashlee Simpson. Most men would never pick this up anyway, but I was asked to review this before publication and can only say many women will find this "empowering" and funny in ways that only today's women could.
  
  
  
  
• All glib and no meat
  By A3VH6R3FTLL2UA on 2005-06-04
  I wanted to like this book, I really did. But it's so shallow and just reads like a laundry list of awful men she's climbed into bed with. No self-examination, no growth, just mindless drinking and low self-esteem on parade. The only shocking thing in the book is her descriptopn of her racist putz of a father. A waste of time & money. I bought this book based on all the rave reviews on Amazon, but now I have to conclude they must have been written by her pals, because they are far off the mark. For a reality check, read the Publisher's Weekly review above.
  
  
• Don't bother
  By A25YAZTPEK9UG7 on 2005-11-27
  I can't believe that so many people actually enjoyed reading this book! The only thing positive that I can say is that she is very smart to use this title. It was very misleading and I am sure a lot of people picked up the book expecting something racier.
  
  The book is more about mocking men's physical traits than it is about one night stands. If you really insist on buying your own copy, I'm putting mine up for sale. Maybe I can make my money back.
  
  
  
  
• disappointing
  By A29TGDDPP5MCNV on 2005-07-14
  i was dispappointed by this book. at first pleased to find a sexually liberated woman. there were quite a few times i cringed through the book and i honeslty did not laugh out loud. maybe it's different while she's on stage but i don't find her funny. she even seems quite conceited. i am for the sexual liberation of women. i don't see how that fits with ruining your health with alcohol and drugs. the only good tip for
  one night stands is the advice to never go anywhere without your car.
  
  
• Who's been giving this five star reviews ?
  By A3B9ORM57G5L5O on 2005-06-14
  I've just finished reading this book .I was lured in by all the five star reviews .
  BIG MISTAKE !
  
  This is a tedious account of assorted one night stands its neither funny nor interesting .
  
  Don't bother !
  
  
  
• Unbearably Tedious
  By A1CBSYDZA6P7Y4 on 2005-06-15
  Hmmm, she must've slept with all the people who wrote the glowing reviews, too. Maybe that'll be her next terrible book.
  
  
• An enjoyable light read
  By A13OUQVT79L9HB on 2005-10-31
  I agree with those who feel the title is inaccurate; there are not all that many one night stands. I also agree with those who feel it would be better to get this book from the library. It is by no means great literature.
  
  As for what it is ...
  funny
  light
  great to unwind with
  fun to share with a friend
  curl up with a cup of cocoa or tea book
  
  In smoe places I cringed in others found myself laughing outloud
  
  
• It was LAME!
  By A3QVCYLS54UH1N on 2005-06-15
  First, let me say I like what she does on GBB, but, man, she cannot write at all. These reviews must be from friends or something. Don't buy it. It's a waste of money. Unoriginal and someone's just taking advantage of their 15 minutes.
  
  
• HOTT MESS
  By AV7VINTXJQSL6 on 2005-06-17
  Watch out Chris Rock.....You have some competition because Chelsea Handler is showing the world that she is funny...funny...funny....
  
  Who cares if she has slept around......It's her business. But, I look at this book as a cautionary tale and young women everywhere can learn from her. You are probably not going to find love on a one-night stand....you might even lose your dignity, but you'll never lose your sense of humor...and isn't that what it is really all about? Not taking ourselves so seriously.....
  
  
• My Kind o' Gal!!
  By A354GEOGL2DAPK on 2006-03-14
  When I finished the first chapter of this book, I ran right out to Barnes & Noble and bought the remaining 6 copies for my girlfriends who would appreciate this absolutely hilarious, honest and totally entertaining memoir. What a gal! So my best friend and I sat side by side at the beach laughing like a couple of hyenas. Our kids were worried about us. The only thing I didn't like about the book was that it had to end at all. I could have gone on another 700 pages! Chelsea is delightful and so damn funny...I emailed her when I was done and she answered! I hope we are fortunate enough to get a lot more of her blunt, honest humor in the near future. She ROCKS!
  
  
• A Hollow Life
  By A3MA6CUHA39RU6 on 2008-07-08
  I've casually enjoyed Chelsea Handler's TV show for some time. She's witty and clever on television, so I thought her book would offer more of the same. Unfortunately, this book changed my perception of Chelsea, and once I finished the book I came away from the experience feeling I wasted my time. Chelsea's experiences really do seem like aimless recollections of a shallow existence. As another reviewer pointed out, her memoir reads like a series of Sex in the City scripts minus the fashion. Unfortunately, Chelsea often comes off as pretentious, vapid, and morally bankrupt. I kept hoping the narrative arc of the book would reveal some growth and personal reflection. Instead, the book continuously chronicled Chelsea's nihilistic existence. Sure there are some humorous moments, but they are too few. Many of Chelsea's recollections focus on her insatiable desire for sex and a general contempt for those who aren't physical specimens. In an attempt to be funny, Chelsea's lack of compassion for others (i.e. her roommate or fellow booze cruise passengers) simply reveals her hollow character. There's little redeeming quality in Chelsea's memoir; for those looking for self-deprecating laughs, a much better choice would be among the works of Laurie Notaro.
  
  
• I can't wait for the next installment!
  By A9E94ZX1H4V5H on 2008-08-07
  Chelsea's smart, funny and raunchy in a hold nothing back sort of way that makes you wonder what Mae West might be like if she were around today. This is exactly what a collection of fictional comedic vignettes should be.
  I also recommend my favorite self-help book about love I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't
  
  
• Can't wait for the next book!
  By A24B9PVELUDL91 on 2008-08-11
  The story of Chelsea hooking up with a midget...and is hilarious. Definitely a book worth reading, and most likely more than once.
  I also found this book highly informative and great about sex and relationship I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't
  
  
• Wonderfully Funny
  By A1UR61HNZBRE7O on 2005-07-27
  "My Horizontal Life" is a gut buster of a funny book about the one night stands and failed attempts to find appropriate one night stands by comedian Chelsea Handler. Very much in the tradition of the brilliant "My Fractured Life", but with even more detailed focus on sex, sex, and more sex. I couldn't stop laughing the whole way through the book. Also recommended: "My Fractured Life" and "The Starter Wife."
  
  
• Fun to read for the most part
  By AZXW513AMINXV on 2006-02-06
  I will admit that I am a sucker for anything (well mostly anything) written from a point-of-view that I am unfamiliar with (a 20 something male). Being a horny, sex-loving, carefree WOMAN is something that I am actually unfamiliar with and as such, I did enjoy this book for what it was.
  
  I didn't open the book hoping for $2.75 romance novel. I didn't open the book hoping that it would fill my nights of smut and debauchery. I did open the book to be entertained and for the most part, it was entertaining. Chelsea talks about her many *ahem* encounters, ranging from a booze cruise, a walk of shame dressed as an M&M, a stripper with stereotypical stripper smarts named Thunder, and more. While each of the stories was unique and entertaining, I really didn't care for the main character. I wasn't wondering if this new guy was going to be "Mr. Right." I didn't have a connection to her and that made the book more difficult to enjoy. Instead of Carrie from Sex and The City telling me about her adventures of being a single woman in the 21st century, I felt as if I was reading a random person's diary or livejournal. I am not saying that it was bad by any means but I didn't feel as though I understood what Chelsea was going through or what it is that she wanted.
  
  Additionally, parts of the story felt very disjointed and I never got a feel for her girlfriends; some like Shoniqua had very distinct voices while the others seemed interchangeable and very off-the-shelf and plastic. Another thing that rubbed me wrong with this book was the ending as it felt rushed, forced, and too open ended. I didn't expect it to be tied together like a nice, pretty package with a bow, but I did expect more than I recieved. Overall, I did enjoy the book even though it had its shortcomings. It was very amusing and Handler has a way of expressing herself so that I could see the events unfolding in front of her and I really like that sort of voyeurism. I would probably give it a 3.75/5.
  
  
• hilarious
  By A2I5SJRKSZK2HP on 2006-02-17
  This book made me laugh my a** off! I couldnt help but giggle at all the schenanigans of Chelsea and her friends. Some of the stories reminded me of my friends sexscapades in college....I give this book two thumbs up! It's better than Chick Lit.
  
  
• Interesting but simple
  By A3RTOVTKYJ624G on 2007-04-10
  I wasn't really expecting much, just hoping to learn a little about women who like to sleep around. The first few chapters were interesting, but after a while it was the same thing over again and it got really boring. I wouldn't say it's an intellectual read at all, and might border on romance novel with some bed comic relief. My girlfriend also read it and couldn't put it down, so maybe it's for girls. I wouldn't advise buying it, just get it at the library if you really want to, but I wouldn't say it's a must read.
  
  
• Hot Summer
  By A10PFC4UE2NF93 on 2008-08-10
  Loved the book. It is a really easy read and I found myself not wanting to put it down and laughing out loud in several places. The author has led a very colorful life and describes it very comically.
  Other recommendation about sex is I Love You. Now What?: Falling in Love is a Mystery, Keeping It Isn't
  
  
• Some funny vignettes, but there's an "ick" factor
  By A6WM6KD9JO11U on 2008-11-01
  This is a vacation read -- something I wouldn't normally pick up, but it was sitting there, and I was headed out to the beach to suck down some tropical concoction in the sun. So, why not?
  
  Chelsea Handler has written an account of one-night stands that she has experienced. The cast of characters is interesting, and sometimes bizarre, and the situations range from laugh-out-loud funny to irritatingly off-putting.
  
  I enjoyed it sporadically, as much as I simultaneously found it offensive. I don't know how much the author has embellished, and how well she's hidden the identity of some of her subjects, but I'd sure be sorry if I showed up in her book! She's rather merciless and shallow, a hedonist who wants to have a good time and doesn't even try to spare the feelings of men who, er, aren't up to the task. I'm trying to imagine a book written with genders reversed, where a man takes a woman home from a bar, only to reject her in the bedroom because of, say, her breast size. Eeyuck.
  
  It's also a shame that Handler thinks that hedonism is cool when it extends to being an alcoholic. No, she doesn't label herself an alcoholic, and maybe she's not one. Maybe she's exaggerating things for comedic effect, but if that's the case, the unintended consequence was to make herself out to be a happy drunk.
  
  That said, if you can accept the author's total pursuit of her own pleasure (her feeble attempt at the end to portray this as a phase coming to an end doesn't really ring sincere), the book does have some pleasure to offer the reader as well, with a couple of very funny predicaments and sexual disasters.
  
  If you want a few sexually-charged laughs, you could sure do worse than this book. And it was okay as a vacation read. That's as far as I can go in recommending My Horizontal Life.
  
  
• A must read!
  By A3N9NERTPXOV2D on 2005-05-18
  You have to read this book! Chelsea's stories will remind you of a story you've either been through and didn't know how to laugh about yet, or of a story a "good friend" has told you...but just couldn't divulge all of the details. She is honest, funny, and compassionate...a rare find in a woman who is willing to tell you such intimate details about her sex life...in the most humorous way possible. Chelsea makes you remember that it's okay to be a woman...and still be human. Did I mention it's hysterical?
  
  
• ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!
  By A1QNMLKROY2US0 on 2006-01-22
  I saw Miss Handler on the Isaac Mizrahi show and thought she was amusing, so I purchased this book. Well, start to finish, I laughed and laughed. Her honest accounts of life's journeys were absolutely hilarious and I could not put this book down! I have since passed this book on to several girlfriends and they too found it hilarious. I highly recommend this book!
  
  
• The title really IS misleading
  By A3KZWNKKWTAALW on 2007-09-06
  This book really is about Chelsea's "near misses". Instead of gloriously detailed sex-capades, her writings were more about her trying to weasel out of sex related situations. Reading it, I had a hard time believing that her character was even having sex at all. There was all this fluff concerning wild and crazy conversations/situations that would ultimately lead up to the 'come back to my room?' moment, which would then be quickly followed with her chickening out and having to find a less than tactful means of escape. I was left thinking that her character would be the type to walk around shouting 'I'm a slut! Come on boys!', when in reality all she would do is kiss. Not very promiscuous. The entire book was impersonal and, at times, had struggled to remain witty. It was surprising to find that by the last five or six pages, Chelsea actually began to write in a more biographical style where you began to feel some sort of raw emotion from her, which had been refreshing after two-hundred pages of emptiness. I don't regret having read it, I'm just a little sad with the money wasted purchasing it.
  
  
• unbelievably funny!!!
  By A1RM1QOKA1K86J on 2005-05-14
  You have to read this immediately!!! Each story is funnier than the next and will have you laughing until you cry!
  If you like David Sedaris you will love this. Don't miss it...
  
  
• Great book
  By A2TGRGIV9M5WVJ on 2005-05-23
  I don't really want to give anything away, so I'll just say this girl is sooo funny. I'd give it 6 stars if I could.
  
  
• The Most Realistic Honest Stories Ever Written!!!
  By A2RBMG7NJW0V69 on 2005-06-15
  I LOVE IT!!! FINALLY SOMEONE IS TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT ONE NIGHT STANDS! CHEERS TO CHELSEA HANDLER FOR SAYING WHAT SO MANY WOMEN HAVE DONE AND/OR WANT TO DO! MEN TELL IT LIKE IT IS ALL THE TIME; IT'S ABOUT TIME A WOMAN STEPPED UP AND LET THEM KNOW THEY ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A GAME PLAN...CHELSEA SPEAKS TO ALL WOMEN!! AND MEN!! I CAN RELATE AND SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS AND MOTHER THAT I BOUGHT THE BOOK FOR HAD A SIMILIAR STORY TO TELL...IT'S A SECRET LET OUT THE BAG AND I AM HAPPY!!! HOORAY!! CHEERS...EVERY WOMAN AND MAN SHOULD BY THIS BOOK...YOU MIGHT LEARN A THING OR TOO...TELL IT LIKE IT IS CHELSEA..I AM LOOKING FOR VOLUME 2. P.S. CHEERS TO ALL OF YOUR GIRLFRIENDS WILLING TO HELP YOU ALONG..HILARIOUS!!!
  
  

• Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea
• I Was Told There'd Be Cake
• I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
• sTORI Telling
• When You Are Engulfed in Flames